Volume 24 Issue 2


Biologist Lands Terrible Job, Still Relieved He’s Not an Artist

Written by: Samantha Cane

Last week, Herb Gardner, a recently-graduated biology student, finally concluded his several-month job search, having found work as a low-level assistant at a humble nursery in …


Ghost of John Muir Spotted on Campus, Seen Hoarding Beef Jerky

Written by: The MQ

Following October 31, an anonymous Muir student was suddenly hospitalized after he reported seeing the ghost of John Muir lurking in the bowels of Pines and …


Scientists Cure Cancer, Can’t Cure Media’s Obsession with Latest Trump Tweet

Written by: Chris Jin

Two weeks ago, scientists at CAPRI, the Cancer Assessment and Prevention Research Institute, announced that they had developed a end-all, be-all cure for cancer, capable of …


Manic Pixie Dream Girl Chosen to Be New Movie Lead

Written by: Rhys Shriver

Last Sunday, October 29, famous director Garrold Scottgard announced his decision to cast Burgundy Jennson in a completely unwanted live-action version of the popular anime and …


Local Student Throws Trash in Recycling Bin, Fixes Society

Written by: The MQ

A recent speech on the prospects of recycling given by John “The Revolutionary” McBon has “challenged everything we ever knew about disposing of paper plates,” according …


“Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It” Policy Imprisons Hundreds of DEA Officers

Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

New reports from the Department of Justice have revealed that hundreds of police officers have been jailed across the nation for distribution of marijuana. Oddly enough, …


Poll Reveals Gun Rights Rank Above Rights to Life, Liberty, Happiness

Written by: Summer Davis

In the wake of one of the deadliest mass shootings in modern history, polling of Americans revealed that the majority of those surveyed agree with expanding …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

Point/Counter Point

Written by: Sage Cristal

Point: Wandering Spirits That Roam Our Physical World Should Be Acknowledged and Respected Every year around All Hallow’s Eve, individuals who are inexperienced in contacting and communicating …


New Tweet Character Limit Finally Allows Donald Trump to Be Eloquent World Leader

Written by: Mishelle Arakelian

Late this September, in an effort to help users be more expressive, Twitter announced that they were going to be beta testing doubling their tweet character …


Third Year Student Excited to Live off Campus, Drives 30 Minutes to Pines Each Night

Written by: Hannah Lykins

After two years of promising his on-campus friends that he would “never touch that overpriced dining hall food again after moving off campus,” third year Doug …