Point: Wandering Spirits That Roam Our Physical World Should Be
Acknowledged and Respected
Every year around All Hallow’s Eve, individuals who are inexperienced in contacting and communicating with stray souls tend to make some ill-conceived attempts to connect with the deceased, fueled mainly by naivete and a search for impressive party tricks.
Many of these mortals also try to cross through dimensions for depraved motives. It is because of this that I am writing to inform all the uninformed that contacting spirits is not a parlor game meant to astonish your neanderthal friends. Communicating with the dead is a very delicate situation that should be regarded with only the utmost respect and acquiescence.
Recently, I have noticed feeble-minded youths attempting to get in touch with the many spirits that wander through the realm typically referred to as “limbo.” Not only are “seances” and other similarly offensive rituals dangerous to practice, but they easily alienate any curious souls who are stuck between the physical realm and the afterlife.
After witnessing many of these misinformed delinquents trying to use sacred symbols such as ouija boards and crystal balls in their contact with spirits, I urge all mediums, clairvoyants, and other gifted individuals such as myself to refuse service to those ignorant cretins that ask for help in communicating with those searching for eternal rest.
I understand how tempting it is to profit off of the ignorant during the month of October, but I would ask all of my dignified peers to choose morals over money. It is only by doing this, that we can help enlighten those who are living to the suffering of the deceased.
Counter Point: I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost
Halloween always reminds me of that show “Ghost Hunters” where a bunch of sissies wander around in a dark, abandoned house and tell a camerman all kinds of spooky stories while trying to avoid getting their limbs ripped off. Have you ever seen “Ghost Hunters”? I haven’t, but I’ve heard it goes something like that.
Anyways, ghosts aren’t real. And even if they were, I could easily fight off at least 12 of them, easily. If I had my nunchucks on me, I could bump that number up to 40, no problem.
Ghosts ain’t shit. I’ve heard that in 80 percent of ghost sightings, the ghosts were reported to have no physical form. No physical form means no muscles. And if you are going to fight me in hand-to-hand combat, you are going to have to have muscles. Just ask the last punk I fought at the Wienerschnitzel down the street.
I’m not talking about goblins or ghouls here. Just ghosts. (Not that I couldn’t beat the everlasting shit out of a horde of goblins and ghouls, like at least 23 of each. Because I totally could.) But some of my friends on Reddit asked me to share my knowledge and experience in dealing with ghosts, specifically.
I’ve known ghosts to be pretty sneaky bastards. They also have zero regard for personal property. They’ll sleep in your bed, soil your clothes, and eat all the Nutella you have stockpiled in your bunker. But if you challenge them at all, they couldn’t do more than chip one of your fingernails. Have you ever seen a ghost? I haven’t “seen one” per se, but those sons of bitches probably heard that I’d destroy any soul, living or dead, for trying to eat my Nutella, and are just all avoiding me.
Just try to get at my Nutella, you wussy phantoms.