“I don’t want to know what’s going on here. I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t see anything and keep sweeping,” said the janitor.
Photo by: Hannah Rosenblatt
A recent speech on the prospects of recycling given by John “The Revolutionary” McBon has “challenged everything we ever knew about disposing of paper plates,” according to student reports. Before the speech earlier today, McBon was seen casually tossing a greasy plate he had used to eat his lunch, which is believed by scholars to be a pizza – which is up for debate though, as is to be expected of all issues relating to the great thinkers of history – into a bin.
The bin, as described by observers, had written on it three arrows forming a triangular shape, which linguist Lynn Thad, a long time fan of McBon, has deduced to represent the process of “recycling.” Fellow classmate of McBon, Gary “The Disciple” Samuel, claimed, “Well, I saw John throw some trash or something into the recycling bin and I was thinking, ‘Man, you know someone has to clean that up.’ At that time I was truly naive of the brilliance of that mastermind. I then asked the question that would unknowingly bring me enlightenment, ‘What, are you trying to recycle your trash?’ To which he responded, after a couple of ‘ums’ and repeatedly saying ‘Well you see’ and then just standing still silently for a minute, ‘It will find a way.’ With those simple words I understood that this was an individual ahead of his time, a forward thinker.”
One of the onlookers of the event was Nobel Prize winner and celebrated
professor Mary “The Astounded” Wells, who described what she had witnessed as a “paradigm shift.” She continued, “I must have been gifted by fortune to have experienced such a marvel first hand. It still boggles me that I was actually there for such an achievement of humanity. All of us teachers have no choice but to give McBon only the highest scores for all of his classes.”
Despite all the praise McBon has gotten, his ideas are not without detractors. Future historian Joshua “Future Hindsight Needs Glasses” Robson stated in an interview, “McBon’s ideas are flawed. He clearly had not thought out what he was saying, isn’t that obvious?” Robson took a sip of water before continuing, “And it’s all the fault of us, the foolish masses. We can never hope to live up to the grand ideals of McBon who had the audacity to envision a better world where we have the freedom to put trash in the recycling. He wanted us to ‘find a way,’ and what have we done? We have failed to comprehend that message and for that we’ll pay the price.
“The so-called ‘McBonists’ misinterpret the work of McBon to fit their own
agendas. History repeats itself as McBonists believe in trashing this recycling, but truly McBon meant we must take what we wish to throw away, his proverbial trash, and construct the foundation of something entirely new. McBon saw it that we must find a way to recycle his trash, not trash the recycling.”
An anonymous McBonist responded, “Robson’s outlook is outdated, only ProtoMcBonism and SubMetaMcBonism hold such an interpretation. Modern schools of thought, NewMcBonsim, AretrosynchronousMcBonism, and SuperSubMetaMcBonism adhere to the Societe du Centenaire des McBonists standardized post-Bonist principle. McBon clearly meant individuals must find purpose, even in tricky situations, because a material world lacking intrinsic meaning must gain it through shaping society into an idealistic form by seeking loftier ends, or risk life devolving into a garbage existence. Also you should just like, you know, throw more pizza in the recycling bin apparently.”
