“Damn whippersnappers, get off my quad!” shouted Muir while shaking his stick of beef jerky at the cowering children.
Photo by: Jessica Ma
Following October 31, an anonymous Muir student was suddenly hospitalized after he reported seeing the ghost of John Muir lurking in the bowels of Pines and stealing handfuls of blueberry muffins, to-go meals, and beef jerky.
The student told authorities that he believed the specter to be delivering some sort of message from beyond, and the student approached him with the utmost caution. However, he recalled that he was almost immediately berated with insults by the ghost, such as “Not even HDH would hire you, ya hippie scum.”
“I was at a complete loss for what to do,” a student told reporters, while working up a nervous sweat. “I thought, ‘Would I even make it out of this alive?’ I never got a chance to go to The Bistro! Hell, I hadn’t even had time to microwave the gyudon I bought for dinner that night!”
The student appeared to be physically unnerved, recalling through his heaving breaths, “Just after the ghost of John Muir verbally assaulted me, he somehow got ahold of my gyudon and said something along the lines of, ‘Tha hell is this lump o’ crap? Do they serve this garbage at the dining halls?’ So I told him that it required microwaving in order to be edible.”
The student then reported that Muir demanded to see the microwave in action, as he was “pretty damn hungry, dude” and needed to be sated
immediately.
But in a surprising twist of events, the ghost took a liking to the microwavable gyudon. Completely unaware of the dish’s fat and sodium contents, Muir reportedly consumed around six servings of the gyudon, breaking John’s Market’s microwave in the process. When the student asked Muir if he intended to pay for damages, he simply said, “Without me, you limp noodles wouldn’t even have this store, and by extension that microwave.”
“I didn’t want to engage with that undead diva,” said the student, “so I called the campus police and prayed that Muir wouldn’t loot the baked goods next.”
According to the student, the spirit was last seen gallivanting through the Muir parking lot, occasionally stopping to do snow angels in a pile of half-eaten beef jerky.
Skeptics have raised questions about this encounter. June Garthrow, a professor at UCSD asked, “Was that really John Muir’s ghost? If so, what reason would he have for returning?”
“Really, it could’ve just been some hobo,” the student said. “Or maybe my Econ professor decided to go out for a wild night. Either way, we may never know what I really saw.”
When pressed for more, he admitting, “My real goal was to get on Buzzfeed Unsolved. I may have been grasping at straws here. My bad, everyone.”
Written by: Jade Hookham
