Samantha Cane
UCSD Opens First On-Campus Medical Marijuana Dispensary
In an effort to raise profits and “student morale,” UCSD recently announced its decision to add a medical marijuana section to John’s Market and rename it …
“Fuck It, There’s No God,” Says Pope in Surprising Press Conference
In an attempt at “retribution for those who take ‘Jesus, take the wheel’ too far,” Pope Francis led a six hour surprise press conference in Vatican …
2019 Met Gala Theme Leaked: “Veganism”
According to an insider tip, the Met Gala theme for 2019 is already in the works, with many well-known celebrities preparing in advance. Considering this year’s …
Local Astrologists Find Geminis to Be More Dangerous Than Previously Thought
Late last week, local Astrologist Tammy Cusp completed her life’s work when she published a report documenting the findings of her research concluding that Geminis are …
CEO Fired for Typing with Two Fingers
In the midst of the U.S. economy’s gradual resurgence, corporate hiccups amongst the nation’s top banks arrived in lieu of celebration. It has been recently announced …
East Coast Really Cold, Showing Signs that Global Warming Ceased
Despite the East Coast’s unforseen cold front during winter of 2017, scientists claim the event shows a “positive” outlook for Earth’s future, and future rising temperatures …
Area Man Declares Christmas Colors Boring, Is Actually Colorblind
Following the immediate influx of Christmas decorations into markets and superstores alike, local resident Nicholas Clauser chose to reject the waves of red and green. “I …
Biologist Lands Terrible Job, Still Relieved He’s Not an Artist
Last week, Herb Gardner, a recently-graduated biology student, finally concluded his several-month job search, having found work as a low-level assistant at a humble nursery in …
Halloween Party Ruined by Untimely Serial Killer: “This Isn’t the One We Hired”
Halloween weekend for a suburban costume party turned into a literal nightmare when one of the guests committed murder. Initially hired as a costumed stripper, the …
UCSD Hypnotist Discovered to Incorporate Threats in Act
To commemorate Muir College’s 50th anniversary, Chuck Milligan, a security guard-turned hypnotist, was brought to entertain first year students. This seemingly well-intentioned rousing of limp students …
