Samantha Cane

Samantha Cane is a second-year literature major at UCSD. She is the current Copy Editor of the MQ.

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Opens First On-Campus Medical Marijuana Dispensary

Written by: Samantha Cane and Daniel Clinton

In an effort to raise profits and “student morale,” UCSD recently announced its decision to add a medical marijuana section to John’s Market and rename it …

ArticlesNews

“Fuck It, There’s No God,” Says Pope in Surprising Press Conference

Written by: Samantha Cane

In an attempt at “retribution for those who take ‘Jesus, take the wheel’ too far,” Pope Francis led a six hour surprise press conference in Vatican …

ArticlesNews

2019 Met Gala Theme Leaked: “Veganism”

Written by: Samantha Cane

According to an insider tip, the Met Gala theme for 2019 is already in the works, with many well-known celebrities preparing in advance. Considering this year’s …

ArticlesNews

Local Astrologists Find Geminis to Be More Dangerous Than Previously Thought

Written by: Sage Cristal and Samantha Cane

Late last week, local Astrologist Tammy Cusp completed her life’s work when she published a report documenting the findings of her research concluding that Geminis are …

ArticlesNews

CEO Fired for Typing with Two Fingers

Written by: Samantha Cane

In the midst of the U.S. economy’s gradual resurgence, corporate hiccups amongst the nation’s top banks arrived in lieu of celebration. It has been recently announced …

ArticlesNews

East Coast Really Cold, Showing Signs that Global Warming Ceased

Written by: Samantha Cane

Despite the East Coast’s unforseen cold front during winter of 2017, scientists claim the event shows a “positive” outlook for Earth’s future, and future rising temperatures …

Briefs

Area Man Declares Christmas Colors Boring, Is Actually Colorblind

Written by: Samantha Cane

Following the immediate influx of Christmas decorations into markets and superstores alike, local resident Nicholas Clauser chose to reject the waves of red and green. “I …

ArticlesLocalNews

Biologist Lands Terrible Job, Still Relieved He’s Not an Artist

Written by: Samantha Cane

Last week, Herb Gardner, a recently-graduated biology student, finally concluded his several-month job search, having found work as a low-level assistant at a humble nursery in …

Briefs

Halloween Party Ruined by Untimely Serial Killer: “This Isn’t the One We Hired”

Written by: Samantha Cane

Halloween weekend for a suburban costume party turned into a literal nightmare when one of the guests committed murder. Initially hired as a costumed stripper, the …

Briefs

UCSD Hypnotist Discovered to Incorporate Threats in Act

Written by: Samantha Cane

To commemorate Muir College’s 50th anniversary, Chuck Milligan, a security guard-turned hypnotist, was brought to entertain first year students. This seemingly well-intentioned rousing of limp students …