These Geminis are well known among their community for having tattoos for every other Gemini they killed while in the ring.
Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot
Late last week, local Astrologist Tammy Cusp completed her life’s work when she published a report documenting the findings of her research concluding that Geminis are more dangerous than the pseudo-scientific community previously thought.
Cusp told reporters she contacted other star readers in their annual meeting of astrologists called Star Keepers And Mavens (SKAM) to update their star charts for the following year. The results shocked the group of pseudo-scientists after they pieced together what Cusp describes as the “most devastating discovery since we found Jupiter’s secret seventeenth moon.”
Cusp continued, “On a normal day, Geminis are seen as your average two-faced person, but on the fifth day of the third week of the sixth month of the second millennium, Geminis will undergo heightened transformations of extreme aggression and violent tendencies than we ever thought possible.”
When asked about the anticipated day, a Gemini told reporters, “I’ve been trying to curb my anger for a while now, but I can’t imagine the type of monster I will become once the astrologists’ prediction comes true,” the Gemini paused for a second before saying, “Being a Gemini also means I’m a big flirt, so I’m kind of looking forward to being like Uma Thurman in ‘Kill Bill’ or Imperator Furiosa in ‘Mad Max.’ I’m gonna be kicking ass, taking names, and trying to manage my shy predisposition. It’ll be a challenge, but my horoscope today said I should welcome new challenges.”
According to Cusp, the reason behind the extreme behavioral change is due to a confounding reversal in Mercury’s retrograde. Coined by Cusp, “reverse retrograde” is the act of a planet no longer appearing to be moving backwards regardless of Earth’s position around the sun in relation to said planet. Despite opposition from international astronomists, Cusp argues that “Mercury isn’t moving forward, it’s moving in the opposite direction of backwards!”
Another Gemini commented, “This report is so vague. According to the research, this change can take effect any time between now and the year 3000.” When asked if they had begun to feel the effects of the change, the Gemini said, “I mean, when I went to the DMV last year I didn’t care about the long lines, but I got really impatient when I went yesterday. Also, my mail came three hours late today. What’s with that?”
As of last night, Cusp told reporters that she anticipates holding a press conference in the near future when she will announce a second prediction that she claimed to be “even more concerning than the Gemini thing.” When asked for specific details on the prediction, Cusp said, “It’s probably going to be about Pisces. Or Scorpios. Or maybe Cancers. I’m not sure yet, but you all will be scared out of your minds. Just wait and see.”
Sage Cristal is the woman of your dreams. She sings, she dances, and has a WWE Championship Replica Title Belt. She is currently training to be the next American Ninja Warrior.
Samantha Cane is a second-year literature major at UCSD. She is the current Copy Editor of the MQ.
