November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II

Volume 24 Issue 5

ArticlesNewsPolitics

U.S. Children Secede, Form Gun-Free Country

Written by: Summer Davis

This month, former U.S. citizens under the age of 18 established a gun-free country called Kidonia in response to decades of inaction over school shootings. “We …

ArticlesLocalNews

Chick-fil-A Launches New Campaign of Human Sacrifice, Profits Remain Unchanged

Written by: Hannah Lykins

In what many consumers considered a distasteful choice, Chick-fil-A has recently launched a new campaign: for every 100 chicken sandwiches sold, the company will donate $1 …

ArticlesTech

Elon Musk Unveils All-Electric Attack Helicopter

Written by: Quoc Tran

Following the success of the Roadsters, Tesla’s line of all-electric luxury cars, Tesla CEO and co-founder Elon Musk announced on Thursday the company’s “logical next step” …

ArticlesNews

Local Astrologists Find Geminis to Be More Dangerous Than Previously Thought

Written by: Sage Cristal and Samantha Cane

Late last week, local Astrologist Tammy Cusp completed her life’s work when she published a report documenting the findings of her research concluding that Geminis are …

ArticlesCampusNews

Confused Woman Accidentally Drives to Eighth Floor of Geisel Library

Written by: Rowan Hernandez Cosme

This past Tuesday, construction workers entering the eighth floor of Geisel Library received a shock upon finding a red 2002 Chevrolet Cavalier sedan amongst the bookshelves. …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

P/CP: I Am an Ideal Mate/I Am an Uninterested Lesbian

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

POINT: I Am an Ideal Mate Most of my attempts to contact to you have failed, so I am resorting to something that – based on the …

ArticlesLocalNews

Fountain of Youth Revealed to Be Forever 21

Written by: Declan Sullivan

The Forever 21 in the La Jolla University Town Center was recently discovered by locals to be the coveted Fountain of Youth. The regional manager, Cheryl …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local 34-Year-Old Couch Potato Decides To Take Up Snowboarding

Written by: Steven Zhou

Following the 2018 Winter Olympics medal ceremony in which American teenagers Chloe Kim and Red Gerard earned gold medals in snowboarding, average couch potato Eaton McDonald …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

Trump Administration Scandal-Free for 13.5 Hours

Written by: Rhys Shriver

President Trump has caused many quarrels among the people of the United States about the frequency with which he has created controversies over the course of …

ArticlesLocalNews

Obsessive Anime Fan Claims Waifu as Dependent, Goes Unnoticed by IRS

Written by: Pilan Scruggs

Recently, a post from Reddit has gone viral in which a man tells the story of how he claimed his “waifu” – Asuna Yuuki from Sword …