Volume 24 Issue 5
U.S. Children Secede, Form Gun-Free Country
This month, former U.S. citizens under the age of 18 established a gun-free country called Kidonia in response to decades of inaction over school shootings. “We …
Chick-fil-A Launches New Campaign of Human Sacrifice, Profits Remain Unchanged
In what many consumers considered a distasteful choice, Chick-fil-A has recently launched a new campaign: for every 100 chicken sandwiches sold, the company will donate $1 …
Elon Musk Unveils All-Electric Attack Helicopter
Following the success of the Roadsters, Tesla’s line of all-electric luxury cars, Tesla CEO and co-founder Elon Musk announced on Thursday the company’s “logical next step” …
Local Astrologists Find Geminis to Be More Dangerous Than Previously Thought
Late last week, local Astrologist Tammy Cusp completed her life’s work when she published a report documenting the findings of her research concluding that Geminis are …
Confused Woman Accidentally Drives to Eighth Floor of Geisel Library
This past Tuesday, construction workers entering the eighth floor of Geisel Library received a shock upon finding a red 2002 Chevrolet Cavalier sedan amongst the bookshelves. …
P/CP: I Am an Ideal Mate/I Am an Uninterested Lesbian
POINT: I Am an Ideal Mate Most of my attempts to contact to you have failed, so I am resorting to something that – based on the …
Fountain of Youth Revealed to Be Forever 21
The Forever 21 in the La Jolla University Town Center was recently discovered by locals to be the coveted Fountain of Youth. The regional manager, Cheryl …
Local 34-Year-Old Couch Potato Decides To Take Up Snowboarding
Following the 2018 Winter Olympics medal ceremony in which American teenagers Chloe Kim and Red Gerard earned gold medals in snowboarding, average couch potato Eaton McDonald …
Trump Administration Scandal-Free for 13.5 Hours
President Trump has caused many quarrels among the people of the United States about the frequency with which he has created controversies over the course of …
Obsessive Anime Fan Claims Waifu as Dependent, Goes Unnoticed by IRS
Recently, a post from Reddit has gone viral in which a man tells the story of how he claimed his “waifu” – Asuna Yuuki from Sword …
