This past Tuesday, construction workers entering the eighth floor of Geisel Library received a shock upon finding a red 2002 Chevrolet Cavalier sedan amongst the bookshelves. Upon further investigation, the driver, who was still in the car, was found to be 70-year-old Gladys Fairchild who explained that she had gotten lost on her way to Sixth College. However, after the construction workers attempted to explain what happened, Fairchild refused to move, stating that she “could figure it out herself.”
“We really did try to help her out,” reported Paul Arias, one of the construction workers. “I mean, we were doing our best to try and figure out how to get her car down to the second floor, but Gladys was finding even that confusing.”
“Why is it not called the ‘first floor’ if it’s the ‘ground floor’?” Fairchild shouted at reporters. “When I was young, we called the ground floor the first floor! Your ‘first floor’ is nothing more than a fancy basement!”
Though reporters explained they were not responsible for the naming conventions of Geisel, Fairchild ignored them and started complaining about various other things they had no control over, such as the quality of food in Price Center and “the giant slug monster that may or may not be lurking in the back of Roots.”
“She just belted out complaint after complaint and shot down any sort of attempt at actual assistance,” Arias explained. “Reporters, including some of my coworkers – even a random librarian who just wanted to know what was happening – complained to all of them. I think my site manager was curled up into a ball and crying.”
Once Fairchild stopped shouting at people, complaining about a sore throat, she attempted to drive her way out of Geisel, heading in the opposite direction of where the elevator and stairs were while knocking over dozens of bookshelves in the process. A team of librarians was called immediately to help organize the books that had fallen from the shelves.
“I’ve never seen such a gruesome sight,” explained Marietta Leer, one of the librarians involved in the incident, “There were books everywhere, some even had their jackets ripped; there were tire tracks all over the floor … it was like something out of a horror movie.”
At press time, Fairchild was still on the top floor of Geisel, refusing help from anyone. As such, the construction in Geisel has been delayed for another two quarters while the impasse is sorted out.