Local 34-Year-Old Couch Potato Decides To Take Up Snowboarding

Written by: Steven Zhou

After falling once, Eaton McDonald packed up his snowboarding gear and decided to try again next year.
Photo by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Following the 2018 Winter Olympics medal ceremony in which American teenagers Chloe Kim and Red Gerard earned gold medals in snowboarding, average couch potato Eaton McDonald announced his plan to train for the 2022 Winter Olympics. “I’m not in shape right now,” he shared before taking a sip from his Double Gulp, “But give me three months and I’ll be fit enough to win a medal in one of the easier snowboarding styles.”

A Southern California native, McDonald has never gone snowboarding, nor has he ever seen snow. Nevertheless, he recalled fond childhood memories of playing in fake snow on his neighborhood streets once every December, courtesy of his parents’ HOA fees. During the interview, McDonald reminisced about running around in snow for 30 minutes before succumbing to the brisk, 65 degree weather and retreating back into his heated residence to play his video games.

“I feel like those brief moments over the years planted the seeds of my interest in snowboarding. It’s definitely not because I feel in any way insecure by the two twerps who won the gold at half my age, or that I feel like a lazy piece of crap after watching the athletic prowess of people all around the world.” When probed for elaboration, McDonald did not comment and averted his attention back to re-watching every episode of Friends on Netflix.

Some are optimistic about McDonald’s sudden decision to train for the Olympics. Facebook sources reveal that subsequently after his global reveal to enter the 2022 Winter Olympics, his great aunt, Lacy Mofo, and his grandfather, Morris “Mo” McDonald, gave his comment a thumbs-up reaction while many of his other family members also gave him a “Wow” reaction. The majority of his peers, however, were negative in their responses and felt inclined to give the “Laughing” reaction.

“This happens every two years,” a friend of McDonald informed reporters. “I’ll give him about three days before he stops eating healthy and exercising.” When asked how McDonald planned to train for snowboarding despite the unfavorable conditions of snow in his hometown, Anaheim, his friend cut the reporter short: “Here’s the thing, it’s not gonna happen. Eaton’s at Dick’s Sporting Goods getting his winter gear, but that’s just gonna get thrown into his closet — just like his archer bow. Honestly, he might as well spend that money on himself for some nice clothes, videogames, or whatever.”

McDonald is well aware of the public backlash against his announcement. Not one to quit, he remains unwavering in his drive to qualify for the 2022 Winter Olympics. He has already posted numerous Instagram photos of himself walking, captioning: “Gotta burn off extra calories before I can start leaping on a snowboard!” and “Cheat day, even Olympians eat KFC every now and then, right?” Most recently, McDonald tweeted: “H8rs gonna h8 cuz dey don’t sk8.”

In his closing statement, McDonald shared with reporters, “I hope to be a role model to all children in this country. Fitness is always achievable when you are inspired by teenage Olympians who are, arguably, more successful in life than you’ll ever be. That being said, stop blocking the TV, I’m trying to watch Narcos.”

Content Editor at The MQ

Steven Zhou was made in Canada and designed in California. He tolerates writing and has been occasionally funny since 2016.

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