Fountain of Youth Revealed to Be Forever 21

Written by: Declan Sullivan

As he crawled towards the Fountain of Youth, Douglas Amsterdam looked forward to the nifty fashion and crippling debt he would experience. 
Photo by: Jessica Ma

The Forever 21 in the La Jolla University Town Center was recently discovered by locals to be the coveted Fountain of Youth. The regional manager, Cheryl Sanders, expressed her happiness, saying, “Sales have been booming and I’m finally going to be able to take my kids to look at the exterior of Disneyland.” Customers, such as student Gabriel Chambers, have begun to shop exclusively at the department store, and they reported that “my mental health has never been better, and until the end of the month when my credit card bill is due, it will stay that way.”

Studies showed that the longer an individual stayed inside the store, the younger they got, with the youngest reversion being 21 years of age. It was unknown what would occur if a person younger than 21 entered before March 9, until local father Richard Skip accidentally let his four-year-old run inside. “He was my little boy when he went in,” Skip recounted. “And when he came out five minutes later he was a 21-year-old deadbeat.”

One 68-year-old man, Douglas Amsterdam, entered the store to decrease his age. “When he came back outside he was 25 and had a strange craving for avocado toast,” reported Douglas’s wife, Zoe Amsterdam.

Douglas was then recorded three hours later in a Starbucks screaming at the patrons, telling them, “Your taste in coffee is terrible! You should all go to your local coffee shops and not support this corporate greed,” before reportedly crossing the street to go thrift loudly.

Inspired by Douglas, many other elderly members of the La Jolla community began to follow suit, decreasing their age in the superstore. One patron, Nancy Petersen, expressed her regret at the decision: “I was retired with a paid-off home, waiting to die, but now I have to go back to work to support myself.” Others in similar situations joined in, including Gordon Donalds, who stated, “My neighborhood is way too expensive for me to live in now that I’ve lost my pension, and I’ve been searching for a job but apparently you need this new fangled thing called a ‘degree’?”

Many grandchildren of those who utilized Forever 21’s healing abilities also believed that their grandparents were beginning to get stressed out because of their decisions. “Gramps went in, came out young, and then had to move out of his home after his job fired him and voided his healthcare agreement. Apparently, being young was a pre-existing condition,” reported Bennett Dalton. “He also just got a med card so he can relieve his stress with ‘herbs,’ and seems to be changing his stance on it. He’s also having trouble finding a new home, seeing as the housing market is so expensive, so he’s crashing on my couch until he can get back on his feet.”

News of the Fountain’s discovery spread nationwide, motivating seniors across the country to make the pilgrimage to La Jolla. As a result, the elderly demographic disappeared almost entirely in a matter of weeks, causing a major shift in the policy direction of Congress. “I have the right to smoke wherever I please and earn a livable wage without a degree!” shouted protesters from outside the Capitol, many of which having ridiculed their grandchildren for demanding the same only one month prior.

Staff Writer at The MQ

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