POINT: I Am an Ideal Mate
By Human Male
Raised by Wolves
Most of my attempts to contact to you have failed, so I am resorting to something that – based on the emails of yours I looked through – you are supposed to like: a long piece of text expressing emotional needs (or however else you define your “Tom is Feeling Sick Today and Will Be Absent from Class” email). I have decided that you and I are perfect partners to create genetically superior offspring. From childhood, I have tested each and every human capability of mine, be it physical, cognitive, or trained. It is therefore my informed conclusion that I am the ideal mate for any fertile female. Beyond a fatal allergy to mosquitoes, my genetics are perfect to create offspring that I can train to seek a mating partner, find sufficient food for themselves in the wild, and fend off wolves. However, you seem to have rejected my advances up to this point. This part of your society is beyond my comprehension, as it requires too many frivolous rituals I cannot see being helpful for survival. I was even thoughtful enough to get you a condom, the purpose of which still defies me. I could understand a need to practice intercourse for more effective insemination, but this accessory seems completely counter-intuitive. When I appeared naked on your doorstep, you did not seem to be prepared for intercourse. For this, I apologize, but I do encourage you to control your feminine bodily functions somewhat better. I will be back when you are more fertile.
COUNTERPOINT: I Am an Uninterested Lesbian
By Deirdre Watson
Lesbian
Okay, listen, dude. It was one thing when you sent me an email titled “I cordially invite you to a night of coitus” explaining how nice you were to get me a condom, but when you managed to find the sperm donor of my son and sent me a list of all illnesses he has or is at risk for, I think there’s a line of legality you’re crossing. I am happily married, and to a woman. I don’t expect you to understand what functional human relationships past the Stone Age are like, so let me put it in easier terms for you: my “mate” also has a vagina and a uterus, and most of our sexual exploits don’t involve filling them with offspring. Is that clearer? Now, can you take your watchman off duty at my son’s preschool, can you stop following me into church just to make faces at the sermon on marriage, and can you PLEASE stop stalking me at Safeway and scoffing whenever I buy something that isn’t organic? You have no right to act this way around a married woman – or any woman ever – especially one who shops at a Safeway that doesn’t sell organic peanut butter.
Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.
