Rhys Shriver
Area Manager Voices Confusion About Why Employees “Just Keep Striking”
On Friday, November 30, local manager Craig Henser released a statement regarding his workers’ recent massive strike over pay cuts and reduced benefits, stating, “I understand …
Area Student Surprised They Failed a Class They Never Attended
Last Sunday, area student Levi Schreiber voiced her surprise after going on to TritonEd and seeing that her grade was a 62 percent. “It’s incredible!” Levi …
UC Berkeley Bans “The Great British Baking Show” for “Overly Friendly” Competition
UC Berkeley administration banned the public viewing or endorsement of the BBC television series “The Great British Baking Show” a few weeks into the new fall …
Area Student Will Be Grounded If He Doesn’t Clean His Room Right Now
Area student Hayden Collins has had a messy room for one week too many. If he doesn’t pick up all the dirty clothes and empty chip …
Area Student Decides Dying Is Better Than Making Phone Call
Area student Amanda Pemberley was found lying in her bed on September 16, lamenting her fate after refusing to call her doctor. According to her roommate, …
Poll Reports 75 Percent of Millennials Would Vote for Corpse of Bernie Sanders in 2020
CNN released a poll on Wednesday, September 12, finding that 75 percent of millenials are willing to vote for the corpse of Bernie Sanders in the …
Point/Counter Point: I Found a Typewriter and Now I’m an Esteemed Author/Please Stop Breaking Into My House
POINT: I Found a Typewriter and Now I’m an Esteemed Author It has been several days since rediscovering a grande typewriter, and I have revitalized my desire …
Trump Administration Scandal-Free for 13.5 Hours
President Trump has caused many quarrels among the people of the United States about the frequency with which he has created controversies over the course of …
Area Gun Announces Bid for 2018 Elections, Shooting for Utah Senate Seat
On January 29, area gun Springfield XD-S announced its plan to campaign for the Utah Senate midterm elections, allegedly in response to Mitt Romney who had …
Lazy Area Reporter Wants To Tell You but He Really Can’t
Some time ago, area corporate worker Jane Doe traveled to Main Street, Downtown Anytown USA to do some things. On the scene, witnesses reported seeing Jane …
