November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


Area Manager Voices Confusion About Why Employees “Just Keep Striking”

Written by: Rhys Shriver

“Better wages are good and all, but think about our boss’s feelings,” said the supposed protester.
Photo by: Hannah Lykins

On Friday, November 30, local manager Craig Henser released a statement regarding his workers’ recent massive strike over pay cuts and reduced benefits, stating, “I understand the workers want more things from our company, but we just gave them a 10 cent pay raise last year! They’re just incorrigible, why do they just keep striking?”

This statement came after a series of increasingly intensive strikes by the workers of the local catering service Beachside Deliveries. They have gone from skipping work to making picket lines to allegedly egging the delivery vans, throwing smoke grenades into the kitchen, and leaving unfavorable one-star reviews on Yelp.

The head of the striking efforts, Micaiah Tyler, explained to reporters that the strikes had begun after Beachside Deliveries sent an email detailing a cut on both hours and pay to all company workers. “It’s just an attempt to put everyone at part-time so they don’t have pay us for dental,” Tyler stated, “which is pretty rich since I got half my teeth knocked out after they removed all the airbags to cut costs. Do you know how much fake teeth cost? I’d rather melt down my grandma’s antique porcelain than pay it all out of pocket.”

Henser, on behalf of the Beachside Deliveries Board of Supervisors, put out an official notice regarding their stance and plans to strike. “We at Beachside Deliveries have heard the requests of our workers and have come to the following conclusion: in accordance with union demands, we will be giving them dental benefits, raising their wages to 6.50 an hour, and giving them paychecks that don’t regularly bounce.”

“Beachside Deliveries has followed through every time on their past promises, so I don’t really think that we’ll need to have any more protests,” commented an anonymous protester equipped with a paper bag mask, a picket sign that had “I’m Protesting” printed on it in Arial font, and a Rolex estimated to be worth about 10 thousand dollars. “If anyone continues protesting, I assure you they’re only the most radical and should not be given any news attention. I think everything important on the matter has been discussed and asking for anything more would be greedy,” they continued before stepping into their 2016 Tesla Model S and driving away.

Reporters attempted to reach out to the Beachside Deliveries’ CEO for comment, but authorities reported that he had recently been hospitalized after getting a minor concussion in an attempt to “take a shower in one-dollar coins,” leaving only a note taped to their office door that read: “I love unions. I just love people getting married. I’m unionized with my wife right now.”

Content Editor at The MQ

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