Volume 25 Issue 3

ArticlesLocalNews

Local Phone Charged With Battery

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Local phone “Paul’s iPhone” was charged with battery of Anker PowerCore 20100 after a “desperate attempt to stay alive” resulted in the death of the Anker …

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

Promise You Won’t Get Mad, But …

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Promise you won’t get mad? Um, I kind of did a bad thing. But I didn’t mean to do it! It just kind of happened, and …

ArticlesLocalNews

Area Dad Arrested for Perjury Regarding the Existence of Santa to Son, Child Detective

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Melvin “Dictionary” Jones, a nine-year-old, has emerged as the next big child detective after turning in his father for committing “pinky-promise” perjury concerning the identity of …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

US Flag Lowered to Half-Mast Permanently

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Following the mass shooting on Tuesday, the mass shooting on Wednesday, and the mass shooting on Thursday, President Donald Trump released a proclamation through the Office …

ArticlesNews

Canadian Woman to Celebrate Boxing Day by “Kicking the Shit Out of Shoppers”

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After spending Christmas Eve with her church and spending Christmas Day with her family, Toronto native Tricia Thompson plans to wrap her wrists and get ready …

ArticlesNews

Walt Disney Announces Plan to Buy the Rights to Christmas Spirit

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Walt Disney CEO Bob Iger announced his plan to buy and copyright the Christmas Spirit last Monday. “It’s actually really simple,” stated Iger during his impromptu …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

Grades PCP

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Point: My Roommate Is to Blame for My Failing Grades I just cannot believe the tragedy that has befallen me. I failed my first ever final, but …

ArticlesLocalNews

Area Man Eats Entire Country of Turkey for Thanksgiving

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Otto Seljuk, 23-year-old San Diego resident, has reportedly consumed the entire country of Turkey over the course of the Thanksgiving holiday, according to relatives and eyewitnesses. …

ArticlesCampusNews

Guy in Lecture Won’t Stop Talking, Is Possibly Professor

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A recent audit of a 3 p.m. Math 18 lecture has revealed the long-unidentified man who will not stop talking during lecture. Several conflicting sources pointed …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

In Aftermath of California Wildfires, Trump Bans Leaves

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President Trump enacted an executive order on Monday December 3, to ban leaves scattered on forest floors. Because wildfires in California have led to significant damage …