Volume 25 Issue 3


Local Phone Charged With Battery

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Local phone “Paul’s iPhone” was charged with battery of Anker PowerCore 20100 after a “desperate attempt to stay alive” resulted in the death of the Anker …


Promise You Won’t Get Mad, But …

Written by: Sage Cristal

Promise you won’t get mad? Um, I kind of did a bad thing. But I didn’t mean to do it! It just kind of happened, and …


Area Dad Arrested for Perjury Regarding the Existence of Santa to Son, Child Detective

Written by: Jack Yang

Melvin “Dictionary” Jones, a nine-year-old, has emerged as the next big child detective after turning in his father for committing “pinky-promise” perjury concerning the identity of …


US Flag Lowered to Half-Mast Permanently

Written by: Quoc Tran

Following the mass shooting on Tuesday, the mass shooting on Wednesday, and the mass shooting on Thursday, President Donald Trump released a proclamation through the Office …


Canadian Woman to Celebrate Boxing Day by “Kicking the Shit Out of Shoppers”

Written by: Steven Zhou

After spending Christmas Eve with her church and spending Christmas Day with her family, Toronto native Tricia Thompson plans to wrap her wrists and get ready …


Walt Disney Announces Plan to Buy the Rights to Christmas Spirit

Written by: MQ Trophy Husband

Walt Disney CEO Bob Iger announced his plan to buy and copyright the Christmas Spirit last Monday. “It’s actually really simple,” stated Iger during his impromptu …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

Grades PCP

Written by: Maryanna Sophia Landaverde

Point: My Roommate Is to Blame for My Failing Grades I just cannot believe the tragedy that has befallen me. I failed my first ever final, but …


Area Man Eats Entire Country of Turkey for Thanksgiving

Written by: Chris Jin

Otto Seljuk, 23-year-old San Diego resident, has reportedly consumed the entire country of Turkey over the course of the Thanksgiving holiday, according to relatives and eyewitnesses. …


Guy in Lecture Won’t Stop Talking, Is Possibly Professor

Written by: Robert Renfro

A recent audit of a 3 p.m. Math 18 lecture has revealed the long-unidentified man who will not stop talking during lecture. Several conflicting sources pointed …


In Aftermath of California Wildfires, Trump Bans Leaves

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

President Trump enacted an executive order on Monday December 3, to ban leaves scattered on forest floors. Because wildfires in California have led to significant damage …