November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


Walt Disney Announces Plan to Buy the Rights to Christmas Spirit

Written by: MQ Trophy Husband

Snow is now available for purchase at only $6 per cup.
Photo by: Sage Cristal

Walt Disney CEO Bob Iger announced his plan to buy and copyright the Christmas Spirit last Monday. “It’s actually really simple,” stated Iger during his impromptu press conference right after the announcement. “We are going to buy all Christmas Spirit so that we can incorporate it into our ever expanding entertainment universe.”

Several reporters were found forming lines for this press conference. Andy
Braxton from CNN described the situation, “All of us here were hired by news stations to camp outside Bob Iger’s house. That way, when he
decides to pull some crazy shit like this, we can immediately start harassing him right in the comfort of his own home. The problem is that his house is too big. We all sleep here next to the fence, but we can’t even see the mansion from here because of how big his front yard is. To be honest, up
until today, I was only 40 percent sure this was an actual place of residence and not a national park.”

Along with the press release, Disney Consumer Company posted on their Facebook and Twitter pages: “As you all have heard, the Christmas Spirit is joining our family here at Disney, but we couldn’t just leave Christmas out of the mix. With that being said, we are happy to announce that Mrs. Claus will be joining our Disney Princess family, and many of our toy-lines and clothing apparel will feature her!”

Amidst all the mystery behind the last Avengers movie details, the Russo brothers have finally come forward to reveal some details behind the most anticipated movie of 2019. “We have decided to move back the last Avengers movie release date,” stated Anthony Russo. Joe, the second Russo brother, was more keen on sharing his artistic vision, “This will allow us to pursue this huge concept that we’ve always wanted to work on: Captain America, Iron Man, and the rest of the Avengers crew are going to set aside their differences and work together to defeat the Frinsch, a cynical, green monster bent on ruining Christmas by stealing all the Christmas presents.”

Disney also announced future projects that incorporate Christmas into their business model. “We have almost completed the first stage of planning for Christmas Land, our next theme park located at Disney World,” said Ronald Reed, a Disney World employee. “Here, you will be able to enjoy gingerbread houses, snowball fights, and the colors red and green year-round. I, for one, am absolutely thrilled to start spending my days smelling like an unholy mix of bodily fluids and peppermint as I sweat through this Santa Mickey costume.”

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