MQ Trophy Husband
Area Student Claims He Woke Up as a Pokemon
Area Student Claims He Woke Up as a Pokemon Last week, local student Daniel Mennow purchased the latest Pokemon video game Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Rescue Team …
UN Declares State of Emergency due to Spotify Algorithm
Last week, United Nations president Tijjani Muhammad- Bande declared a state of emergency because “Spotify just compelled him to”. “It was really weird at first,” Muhammad-Bande …
UCSD Junior Ready for Farewell Tour
UCSD Junior Ready for Farewell Tour Local third-year student Dave Gracey has reportedly been found “preparing for his farewell tour.” “It’s this stupid thing he’s planning …
Local Scientists Discover New “Soon to Be Extinct” Species
Last month, scientists from the Scripps Institution of Oceanography published an article in scientific journal Nature that delineates a newly discovered species of fish. The species, …
Local Student Sleeps for Three Days Straight, Still Tired
Local Muir student Morpheus Kent is reportedly “still sleepy af” after sleeping for three days. Kent has agreed to break his nap times into 20 minute …
Satan Comes to Reclaim Belichick After Unsurprising Super Bowl Win
Last Sunday night, the New England Patriots claimed victory in Super Bowl 53 over the Los Angeles Rams by the score of 13-03, marking their 6th …
Walt Disney Announces Plan to Buy the Rights to Christmas Spirit
Walt Disney CEO Bob Iger announced his plan to buy and copyright the Christmas Spirit last Monday. “It’s actually really simple,” stated Iger during his impromptu …
Area Man Pregames All Year for New Year’s Eve Party
Last night, The Drunken Seagull regular Iain McCarthy was found passed out on the sidewalk next to the bar in preparation for even more alcohol consumption …
UCSD Giraffe Catchers Catch First Giraffe
The giraffe catchers installed in the Eucalyptus Forest unleashed mayhem last week when they caught their first giraffe. Giraffe catchers were installed in 1967 and held …
Self-Respecting Metalhead Found Listening to Pop in His Bedroom
Local metal enthusiast Solomon Parker was found by his roommates in his bedroom last night, on his bed listening to Ariana Grande’s latest album. Solomon is …
