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Local Scientists Discover New “Soon to Be Extinct” Species

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Dr. Chang said, “Let’s call it a day and have the paleontologists come in tomorrow.”
Photo by: Jessica Ma

Last month, scientists from the Scripps Institution of Oceanography published an article in scientific journal Nature that delineates a newly discovered species of fish. The species, though officially named “Salmo thermoocisus,” has been referred to as the “Global Warming Salmon,” and is reportedly the first species of fish to be named after its natural predator. Its natural habitat is the polar ice caps, and it has adapted to very cold climates where its slow metabolism allows it to go weeks without feeding. The microorganisms it feeds on have also only recently been discovered, but scientists have reportedly refrained from officially naming the fish because “it’s just going to go extinct with the rest of that ecosystem and we don’t want to get attached.”

The discovery of the species has sparked interest within UCSD itself. Chancellor Pradeep Khosla responded to this discovery in a Facebook post: “Hey guys, did you know that SIO is a pretty big part of UCSD? I was wondering why my Google Maps app said campus was within walking distance from the beach, but now I get it.” Khosla also mentioned that he had requested two parking spots to be added near SIO “with the hopes of encouraging more people to take an interest in SIO and to promote more research, like I’ve been actively doing for a long time now, of course.”

Dr. Clement Chang, the principal investigator in the paper said, “The GW Salmon is also an unnerving alarm. It is the first ever species to be discovered and immediatley be classifed as ‘critically endangered.’ It’s very niche habitat, combined with global warming and its natural food source disappearing, make it a prime candidate for early extinction. Due to the already small ice caps, we really cannot make an estimate of how many GW salmon there are still in the wild.”

This publication has sparked a debate between scientists and members of the Mostly Old, Republican, Old-fashioned, and Naive Society (MORONS). The MORONS came forward to share their insights about the new discovery: “My TV told me it’s all fake news and lies. There is no such thing as global warming,” said one elder MORONS member who wished to remain anonymous. “God has just created this beautiful creature, and I am sure He will create more when He needs to. This entire paper is just a smokescreen trying to cover up mistakes from researchers! They know they were wrong and now they cannot admit it!”

Dr. Clement Chang has thus far not responded to the MORONS, but did comment about the future direction of his research. “With the spotlight on us, we are finally getting some money to do the research we’ve been trying to dedicate our whole lives to. Not all research has to be about cancer to get funding, you know? Wait, don’t put that in. Shit, people are going to think I’m an asshole now and my grants will be taken away. I love cancer! I mean, I love cancer research! Crap, please still give us money.”

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