Volume 25 Issue 5


Eight Knives Found in Caesar Salad

Written by: Matthew Miltimore

The latest in a string of lettuce-related crimes occurred this Saturday in UCSD’s Goody’s Market when a local student found eight pieces of sharp cutlery in …


Local Student Mixes Every Single Energy Drink Available, Projected Not to Sleep Until Next Week

Written by: Adam Yoshinaga

After staying awake for six consecutive days and breaking the former school record, third-year Saturn Smith attempted to break the UC-wide record of 11 days. When …


Trump’s Space Force: “We Will Send the First Americans to the Moon by 2044”

Written by: Sage Cristal

Months after introducing the general public to the concept of an American Space Force, President Trump signed a new policy that laid out plans to establish …


Snakes Celebrate the Day Their Ancestors Immigrated to America

Written by: Jack Yang

Thousands of snakes across America will celebrate Snake Day, a day honoring their heritage and their ancestors that emigrated from Ireland. Sources from “old folk legends” …


College Student Plans Spring Break Trip to Australia, Doesn’t Understand how Hemispheres Work

Written by: Hannah Lykins

American college student Kelsey Vittras received backlash after she announced her plan to take her first-ever spring break trip to Canberra, Australia. Her decision was reportedly …


My Nonprofit Has Made Significant Measures to Stop Global Warming

Written by: Steven Zhou

I have never been more proud to be a community leader in Hell. After thousands of years of drought, fire, and brimstone, I decided that enough …


Local Phone Charged With Battery

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Local phone “Paul’s iPhone” was charged with battery of Anker PowerCore 20100 after a “desperate attempt to stay alive” resulted in the death of the Anker …


Local Scientists Discover New “Soon to Be Extinct” Species

Written by: MQ Trophy Husband

Last month, scientists from the Scripps Institution of Oceanography published an article in scientific journal Nature that delineates a newly discovered species of fish. The species, …


DNC Announces Endorsement Decision Will Be Settled by Battle Royale

Written by: Andrew Sitko

This week the Democratic National Committee announced the winner of the Democratic Primaries will be chosen through a “battle royale.” While the details aren’t clear of …


El Chapo Given Pardon by Trump, Becomes New Secretary of Commerce

Written by: Adian Valdez

Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, the former leader of the Sinaloa Cartel who was recently convicted on drug trafficking charges, has been given a presidential pardon in …