Volume 25 Issue 5
Eight Knives Found in Caesar Salad
The latest in a string of lettuce-related crimes occurred this Saturday in UCSD’s Goody’s Market when a local student found eight pieces of sharp cutlery in …
Local Student Mixes Every Single Energy Drink Available, Projected Not to Sleep Until Next Week
After staying awake for six consecutive days and breaking the former school record, third-year Saturn Smith attempted to break the UC-wide record of 11 days. When …
Trump’s Space Force: “We Will Send the First Americans to the Moon by 2044”
Months after introducing the general public to the concept of an American Space Force, President Trump signed a new policy that laid out plans to establish …
Snakes Celebrate the Day Their Ancestors Immigrated to America
Thousands of snakes across America will celebrate Snake Day, a day honoring their heritage and their ancestors that emigrated from Ireland. Sources from “old folk legends” …
College Student Plans Spring Break Trip to Australia, Doesn’t Understand how Hemispheres Work
American college student Kelsey Vittras received backlash after she announced her plan to take her first-ever spring break trip to Canberra, Australia. Her decision was reportedly …
My Nonprofit Has Made Significant Measures to Stop Global Warming
I have never been more proud to be a community leader in Hell. After thousands of years of drought, fire, and brimstone, I decided that enough …
Local Phone Charged With Battery
Local phone “Paul’s iPhone” was charged with battery of Anker PowerCore 20100 after a “desperate attempt to stay alive” resulted in the death of the Anker …
Local Scientists Discover New “Soon to Be Extinct” Species
Last month, scientists from the Scripps Institution of Oceanography published an article in scientific journal Nature that delineates a newly discovered species of fish. The species, …
DNC Announces Endorsement Decision Will Be Settled by Battle Royale
This week the Democratic National Committee announced the winner of the Democratic Primaries will be chosen through a “battle royale.” While the details aren’t clear of …
El Chapo Given Pardon by Trump, Becomes New Secretary of Commerce
Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, the former leader of the Sinaloa Cartel who was recently convicted on drug trafficking charges, has been given a presidential pardon in …
