Local Student Mixes Every Single Energy Drink Available, Projected Not to Sleep Until Next Week

Written by: Adam Yoshinaga

Smith told reporters, “Red Bull may give you wings, but this combination gives me blood loss.”
Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot

After staying awake for six consecutive days and breaking the former school record, third-year Saturn Smith attempted to break the UC-wide record of 11 days. When asked how he plans to carry out the task, Smith responded that he plans to mix every energy drink he can. “It’s basically jungle juice, but safer, non-alcoholic, and only slightly less fun. I’m a lightweight, so it’s ideal for someone like me.”

Smith is currently triple majoring in computer engineering, human biology, and cognitive science. When asked about the vast difference between his areas of study, Smith responded “I want to keep my options open. I still haven’t decided if I wanna be a professional hacker, a drug dea … um, I mean doctor, or a front-end web developer for porn websites.”

An anonymous source reported that Smith calculated a “20E level difficulty equation” that related the amount of caffeine to each additional hour he planned to stay awake in order to break the record. A computer science colleague of Smith added, “He’s considering a future in the computer engineering field, but he spent like 20 hours working on that equation. The worst part is that he wrote it in MATLAB.”

In addition to breaking the record for staying awake, Smith is currently in the process of breaking a different record for the most units passed in one quarter. Currently enrolled in 54 units, with all being upper division courses, Smith just needs to pass his classes in order to break the former record of 38 units. Upon being asked about why he chose such a challenging record to break, Smith said, “I wasn’t even trying to set the record to be honest. I’m just trying to stay on track with my four-year plan.”

When asked their opinion on Smith’s method to prepare for finals week, students expressed mixed opinions. Some, like first-year Maisie Crawford, believed that Smith is making the right choice. “He’s gonna ace every test. I can’t wait to try out his strategy next quarter. I might even throw in a Soylent or two so I won’t have to eat either.”

Others expressed concern over Smith’s health. Fellow premed student Kenzie Williams voiced concern about Smith’s desire to apply to med school: “They’re not gonna accept you into a school that requires you to take care of other people’s health if you can’t even take care of your own.”

Smith believed otherwise, stating, “They only care about your MCAT and your GPA. Hell, it’s almost a requirement that you down four Monsters and a couple of Concertas a day to handle the stress you’re gonna experience everyday for the rest of your life. Kenzie might as well just start taking Vicodin now, ‘cause she’s gonna need a whole lot in the future to numb the pain of her failure.”

An analysis of every brand of energy drink currently available in the Sunshine Market led mathematicians to this conclusion: The total caffeine content of one can from each brandwould sum to approximately 75 milligrams of caffiene at a total cost at $189.49. The caffeine content puzzled many, as the average amount of caffiene in a cup of coffee is around 75 milligrams. When checking their work, mathematicians realized they made a mistake, exclaiming, “Oh fuck, we forgot to carry a zero. It’s supposed to be 75 grams.”

Distribution Captain at The MQ

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *