I have never been more proud to be a community leader in Hell. After thousands of years of drought, fire, and brimstone, I decided that enough was enough. No sinner should ever be scared of coming to the underworld because of the blazing heat caused by fossil fuels and emissions. Can you believe Hell still runs on coal after being around for over two thousand years?
I started a nonprofit organization last year called “To Hell with Heat” that works at the community level to help people switch from using unsustainable energy sources to renewable energy. We have a lot of scientists down here in Hell since my dad, God, hates when science proves his book wrong, and they recently developed sinner-powered panels that absorb all the hypocrisy that rains down from denominational people in the real world, and channels it into electricity. Given the copious amounts of bullshit radiating from just the Westboro Baptist Church, the KKK, and Washington D.C., these panels are projected to power Hell indefinitely.
What’s even better is the enthusiasm behind the movement for renewable energy. That might have to do with our general demographics. Since everyone in Hell is a socialist-loving, multiculturalism-embracing, pro-choice homosexual, environmentalism was an incredibly easy sell.
Nearly everyone has signs made of biodegradable severed limbs in their front yards advocating for water conservation and waste reduction. 80 percent of Hell’s population have communicated supernaturally with their living kin, requesting all their future tombstone flowers to be replaced with succulents. According to my secretary Belphegor, over 50 billion people have already signed up for the Earth Day march I’m holding soon. The energy is incredible.
Fire severity has also been cut in half due to our new forest-management strategies. These incredibly intelligent workers have identified that the reason Hell has been constantly on fire is due to a massive, unaddressed forest fire caused by the mismanagement of excess sins and alcohol from Las Vegas. We have many fantastic ecologists in Hell working alongside our brimstone department creating controlled fires to prevent accumulating too much of this flammable debris.
Additionally, in just the past year since I started this organization, pollution rates have dropped by nearly 85 percent. Part of this drop also has to do with voters in Hell finally becoming enfranchised and voting to prevent Heaven from dumping all of their dirty air down into our community. This was a landmark legislative decision that Andrew Carnegie and John Rockefeller up in Heaven tried to lobby against, but fortunately, millions of dedicated volunteers worked themselves to death going door to door to inform our citizens and prevent the spread of misinformation the business magnates tried to instigate.
All of this is to say that I’m incredibly happy to be a resident of Hell. Our government is looking to further expand our subway and light rail system to ease our community’s demand for fuel, and Hell’s residents seem very supportive of it. I’ve heard if you tried to bring a measure like this into Heaven, all the WASPs and NIMBYs would be up in arms, so I’m grateful that our population is more reasonable. I feel very optimistic for the future of Hell, and — for anyone who is thinking about joining us here — don’t believe the stereotypes. It’s a fantastic, environmentally friendly place to spend the rest of eternity. So now when someone tells you to “go to Hell,” take it as a compliment. We welcome anyone with open arms down here.