Eight Knives Found in Caesar Salad


Written by: Matthew Miltimore

The salad’s family members found it difficult to see the salad in a vegetative state.
Photo by: Hannah Lykins

The latest in a string of lettuce-related crimes occurred this Saturday in UCSD’s Goody’s Market when a local student found eight pieces of sharp cutlery in his pre-packaged caesar salad.

“At first I didn’t mind,” recalled Mart Anthony, the second-year Marshall student who purchased the salad. “I’ve been using an old plastic spork as my sole utensil for the past few weeks, so I was stoked to see the new gear.” However, Anthony’s optimism quickly faded upon making a “bleak discovery.” The knives had punctured the complementary two-ounce package of Girad’s Caesar Dressing included in the salad. The resulting leakage caused the lettuce to be exposed to the dressing for an extended period of time, leading to what Anthony described as “an atrocious, soaky tragedy.” When asked if he would ever purchase the caesar salad again, Anthony answered, “Of course not, caesar salad absolutely needs crisp lettuce. I’ve been betrayed by the people I thought I could trust. Giving someone soaked romaine is like stabbing them in the back.”

While Anthony expressed discontent regarding the event, the chef responsible for the salad has stated that his actions were not only justified, but necessary. When Chef Brule Tisk was asked why he shoved the knives into the caesar salad, he said that he did not do so out of any hatred towards caesar salad. “If then you demand why Brule Tisk rose against caesar, then this is my answer: not that I loved caesar less, but that I loved romaine more.” According to Tisk, the popularity of the caesar salad was putting a strain on the limited supply of romaine lettuce, which forced the market to produce fewer batches of their other, less popular salads. Tisk was reportedly “upset to the point of damaging a salad that was once a friend, companion, and ally, one that he once loved.” Tisk has expressed that he remains hopeful that his actions will lead to a decline in sales for the caesar salad and a subsequent return of the other salads. Tisk concluded by running away and screaming that he “must prepare for the battle of romaine.”

Goody’s Market has not increased production of the alternative salads, but they have pulled the caesar salad from their shelves following a Facebook post by Anthony that read: “Friends, students, Khosla, lend me your ears: I come to expose caesar, not to praise him. The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interred with their croutons.” The post also included several photos of the destroyed salad and received 462 likes, 137 of which included the “Crying Tears of Betrayal” reaction. Despite the reaction from UCSD’s Facebook population, many have expressed faith that Goody’s may very well recover, citing the fact that the market was able to stay open after Germanic tribes invaded and laid waste to the romaine supply last fall.

Staff Writer at The MQ

Flattened in a distro cart accident, the MQ replaced his bones with leftover printer ink. With his increased lank, Matt has become a pivotal writer for the MQ through his fluidity. Whether demonstrated through his mastery of satire or being used as a keycard when we lock ourselves out of the office, Matt is a key asset to the writing team.

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