DNC Announces Endorsement Decision Will Be Settled by Battle Royale

Written by: Andrew Sitko

“It’s time we bring a victory royale to the people, not just the one percent,” said Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders.
Photo by: Hannah Lykins

This week the Democratic National Committee announced the winner of the Democratic Primaries will be chosen through a “battle royale.” While the details aren’t clear of what the DNC actually meant with this statement, many chief analysts have chimed in on what they believe the statement means.

NBC’s Chuck Todd speculated, “The most probable route of this battle royale is that the Democratic nominees will play a battle royale style game, where whoever wins the private tournament will be dubbed the Democratic choice. I believe the DNC is using this format to appeal to the youths, just like how Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez appeals to young people with her radical ideas and cool dance moves. Ultimately, while there are many games to choose from, most likely it will come down to Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds, Fortnite, or Apex Legends. The primaries are still a while away though, which means any new coming battle royale game may be a contender for the platform. I mean, Tetris 99 came out earlier this month and already many Democrats have been challenging Nintendo users to Tetris Battles so that they can be ready for the primaries.”

Other commentators appear more confident in the DNC’s meaning, such as CNN’s Gloria Borger who reported, “The battle royale game will most definitely be Fortnite. Leaked footage from Elizabeth Warren’s campaign movement shows her attempting to floss and do the “dab” dance. It’s speculated that at least 30 candidates will participate in a private Fortnite tournament in which all skins, dances, and other cosmetic items purchased with Super PAC-funded V-Bucks will be banned.”

Brett Baier of Fox News shared on the air, “The Democrats won’t actually play any real battle royales. They want to take our guns away, so you think they’d play a violent video game? They’re definitely going to play Tetris 99 or something of that strain. Those snowflakes would probably quiver at the mention of an AR-15. Anyway, back to the real news, Donald Trump just ran over a child in a wheelchair and now the violent leftist group Antifa are calling it ‘insensitive and cruel.’ Here’s why it’s not … ”

A DNC leaker reached out to reporters under the pseudonym of “Hernie Flanders,” calling the battle royale “The Real Deal.” The leaker released a statement on voicemail, saying, “The candidates are really going to battle it out in an arena. Now that Hillary is out of the election after totally butchering 2016, a battle royale is really the only fair way to choose the democratic leader of the free world. She really screwed me — I mean us over in 2016 and my team is making sure that won’t happen again. We can’t have another four years of Trump. I’ve heard Bernie Sanders, really a nice guy, has over one million Twitch subscribers, and he can also bench 500 pounds and crush a watermelon in his palm. If I were to bet on one of these candidates, it would definitely be him.”

In response to the DNC, the Republican Party is also seeming to cater towards the younger generation. Last night, the GOP announced via Twitter that they would be hosting a Minecraft Let’s Play for all conservatives who “enjoy playing the internet.” Donald Trump is reportedly preparing a Minecraft Hunger Games for any potential opposition to his second term. He followed up the announcement by tweeting a picture of a Fortnite battle royale victory screen captioned: “Buying these V-Bucks was the best trade deal in the history of all deals.”

Managing Editor at The MQ

Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.

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