Thousands of snakes across America will celebrate Snake Day, a day honoring their heritage and their ancestors that emigrated from Ireland. Sources from “old folk legends” say March 16 marks the anniversary of the day that snakes were driven from Ireland by St. Patrick. Since then, snakes have relocated across the world, many of whom moved to the United States seeking better lives.
As Snake Day approaches, many are celebrating their family “hiss-tories.” “I just learned about this holiday, and I am so excited to be a part of this tradition!” said San Diego resident Shelley Ross, “I’ve already went out and bought party hats and snake-patterned streamers for my office, and I’m giving each of my coworkers a specialized holiday card filled with personalized immigration forms! And after work, we’re going to see the new ‘An American Scale’ movie in theatres. I love the charm of the classic 20th century immigration story: snakes coming to the USA with nothing and achieving the American Dream. Of course, none of the structural repression of peoples’ cultures or widespread insensitivity toward the struggle of minorities in the movie is still around today, thank goodness.”
Lifelong New Yorker Garry Richards also shared his Snake Day memories with reporters, saying, “I remember when I came to the states. Life was different then, and you snakelets just don’t get it with your vegan mice and electronic folk music. I remember seeing Ellis Island for the first time in the fifties, boy what a sight. Back then we had real jobs, jobs that built character, like operating metal stamping machines with a big crank, or making rattles for snakes. It was tough for us, not having hands and all, but the 75 cents an hour was enough to pay for my own corner store complete with a three bedroom burrow for my wife to stay in to look after the kids, all in just a year. If only you squirts would listen to your pee-paw now and then, you wouldn’t be crying about crippling student loans this, elevated cost of nest-ownership that. Everyone running around hosting parties and buying robin eggs are missing the real Snake Day traditions, like swallowing immigrants whole and becoming hissing nationalists as soon as possible.”
However, some are not so excited for this annual holiday, claiming that it perpetuates some common misconceptions. “You don’t think that the ‘snakes’ in the stories were actual serpents, do you?” Jordan Lange reportedly asked, “It’s just an allegory describing the Christianization of Ireland in the way Christians would see it, driving the unchristian practices and rituals of Irish people out of the country. Yet again we’ve let Snake Day become a huge commercial holiday like the rest of them, touting snake-related items and events as must-haves and must-sees. Just wait, I’m gonna bust this day wide open — you’ll see.”
Lange’s “world-shattering revelation” was later found on Facebook, where he described how it’s “just another day” to him and prided himself on being “superior to the rest of his family for not succumbing to another holiday ad campaign from corporate America.”