Trump’s Space Force: “We Will Send the First Americans to the Moon by 2044”


Written by: Sage Cristal

After reporters informed Trump he scored a bogey, he responded, “Bullshit, this is par three. Believe me, I know par three.”
Photo by: Sage Cristal

Months after introducing the general public to the concept of an American Space Force, President Trump signed a new policy that laid out plans to establish a Space Force on February 19. The policy, named Space Policy Directive-4, describes a list of milestones that Trump hopes to achieve within the Space Force, including “plugging the holes in the asteroid belt,” and “Sending the first Americans to the Moon by 2044.”

When signing the policy, President Trump told reporters, “We’ve got the Air Force and the G-Force. Now all America is missing is the Space Force. I wish that the hardworking men, women, and guinea pigs over at the Armed Forces could fight the aliens that keep sending me messages in my alphabet soup, but, unfortunately, only a Space Force created by my administration would have the power and the financial backing to kick alien ass.”

Following the signing of Space Policy Directive-4, Trump received many questions about the upcoming 2020 election, the ongoing investigation regarding the 2016 election, and the type of messages Trump was seeing in his alphabet soup. Despite dodging many questions, Trump was unable to avoid giving an answer to one reporter’s question. The reporter inquired about whether Trump’s Space Force would replace the Air Force Space Command, the major authority of all space-related aeronautics since 1982. “We don’t have a Space Force, at least not yet anyway. My Space Force is going to be a one-of-a-kind, never-before-seen beauty, and she’s going to do things we have only dreamed of doing. Like walking on the Moon. Imagine the first Space Force soldiers landing on the moon, biting a huge chunk out of that big ball of space cheese, and then eliminating the aliens who’ve tampered with my soup! That’s the kind of America that I would be proud to live in. Anyway, I have this saying I created all by myself that’s absolutely original and going to be remembered — it’s the very best: ‘We choose to go to the moon not because it is easy, but because we are bored.’”

With this announcement, many have voiced concerns that creating a Space Force would be a misuse of taxpayer money. Gene Cornill, a San Diego resident, told reporters, “I don’t know what kind of soup the president has been eating, but aliens aren’t real. You know what we really should be worried about? Ghouls. Ghouls are terrifying, and they can eat people, AND they can pretend they aren’t even ghouls! Wait. How do I know you aren’t a ghoul?” Cornill was later arrested and charged with attempted assault. Police say his intent was to injure the reporter with what Cornill said were his “Ghoul-hunting knuckle dusters.”

Despite receiving negative responses, Trump later tweeted: “Why can’t liberals accept that I’m winning? Space force is happening, and when we get to the moon, america will be back on top! Aliens are no match for #SpaceForce @CampbellSoupCo.” Trump could not be reached for comment following his tweet, but Campbell Soup’s official twitter later tweeted a picture response which depicts a can of Campbell Soup on the moon, using a ray gun to shoot an alien. The picture was tweeted with the caption: “One small step for man, one giant leap for lunchtime.”

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Sage Cristal is the woman of your dreams. She sings, she dances, and has a WWE Championship Replica Title Belt. She is currently training to be the next American Ninja Warrior.

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