Volume 25 Issue 5

Top Ten

Top Ten Ways Daylight Savings Ruined Your Day

Written by: The MQ

1. You have to wait six months until your car clock works again
2. You’re missing the one hour of beauty sleep you needed to not look ugly
3. You scheduled something for 2:01 a.m.
4. You sprung too far forward and you’re now in the year 2089
5. You’ve been outrunning your shadow and now it’s caught up with you
6. You have to hire a mason to reset your sundial
7. You were strategically playing hard-to-get but now it looks like you’re ghosting her
8. The doctor only gave you six more hours to live and you just lost an hour
9. Nobody understood your joke because your timing was off
10. You forgot to report your extra savings in daylight and now the IRS is after you

ArticlesLocalNews

Lucky Charms Releases New Limited-Edition Cereal Containing Live Snakes

Written by: Rowan Hernandez Cosme

Lucky Charms recently released a new promotional cereal to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, reportedly taking inspiration from stories of St. Patrick himself by including snakes alongside …

Top Ten

Top Ten Reasons Why the Floor Is Caving In

Written by: The MQ

10. Your hoarding habit is getting bad
9. It’s on top of quicksand
8. You’ve been begging for a new Xbox and it’s had enough
7. You were trying to break the glass ceiling but you missed
6. The floor bought apple-bottom jeans and boots with the fur
5. Your plan to smash that spider with a sledgehammer was poorly thought out
4. You built your house on top of journalistic integrity
3. She took the floor in the divorce
2. You just had to say, “How could this day get any worse?”
1. You still haven’t addressed the elephant in the room

ArticlesLocalNews

Local Irish Person Comes Out, Favorite Color Is Actually Blue

Written by: Hanaa Moosavi

On March 12, 26-year-old Irish man Brian Thomas decided to tell his family that he preferred blue over green. It had reportedly taken “years of anguish …

Top Ten

Top Ten Similarities Between April Fool’s Day and Your Final Exams

Written by: The MQ

10. They remind you of your wasted potential
9. You celebrated both by putting a stink bomb inside your professor’s car
8. You didn’t expect to be drunk
7. Both have an approximately 13 percent chance of sending you to the hospital
6. You spent the entire time blaming your noxious gas on a whoopee cushion
5. They make you want to drop out of college
4. You would have felt better if you had just stayed in bed
3. They both have gone on long enough
2. You started to laugh-cry at the absurdity of it all
1. You forgot to participate

ArticlesCampusNews

Premed Student Downs Four Red Bulls and Adderall Daily, Believes He Will Be a Great Doctor

Written by: Steven Zhou

UCSD premed student Enzo Stephenson recently posted a photo of himself on Instagram posing at his desk with several empty bottles of Red Bull and Adderall. …

Uncategorized

Top Ten Reasons Your Uncle Stopped Calling You

Written by: The MQ

10. You stole his identity
9. You stopped sending him birthday money
8. Nobody calls anymore, maybe you should text him instead
7. He used his “phone a friend” on you, but you disappointed him
6. Uncle Sam got mad at you for draft-dodging
5. You drank his good beer
4. He’s with the cool kids now, don’t ruin this for him
3. He found out you’re wearing a wire
2. You accidentally called him “Dad” during your last reunion and things are awkward now
1. He lost his phone

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

Promise You Won’t Get Mad, But …

Written by: Sage Cristal

Promise you won’t get mad? Um, I kind of did a bad thing. But I didn’t mean to do it! It just kind of happened, and …

Briefs

Helicopter Mother Leaves 72-Hour Voicemail to Ungrateful Son

Written by: Steven Zhou

Local mother Khadija Abboud reportedly left a 72-hour voicemail to her “darling son, Arman.” The recording starting on Thursday and ending the following Sunday. Khadija Abboud …

ArticlesCampusNews

First-Year Revelle Student Actually Reads the Assigned Reading

Written by: Adam Yoshinaga

On February 15, after seeing “see me after class” as the grade on his first paper, first-year Revelle student Adam Sedah has signfigantly changed his academic …