UCSD premed student Enzo Stephenson recently posted a photo of himself on Instagram posing at his desk with several empty bottles of Red Bull and Adderall. His description read: “Just need 4 Red Bulls and a couple of Adderall a day to keep my head in the game!! Harvard med, Johns Hopkins… get ready for one of your future doctors!!!!” This post has since gone viral, reaching over 12 million likes and one million comments.
Premed students around the country find Stephenson’s post to be “hella on point.” Jamal Hampton of Ohio State University commented, “OMG this is sooo relatable @premedted @MDorDeath lets go take some Adderall together later!” Karissa Lin from University of Washington also responded, “Wow, so true. My blood pressure right now is 163/94, and I’m just getting started tonight!”
Reporters contacted Stephenson to gain further insight into what the National Institutes of Health have called his “idiotic health decisions.” Stephenson replied in a letter, “All I’ve ever wanted since I was a kid was to be a doctor. But with such high standards to even have a chance at getting into med school, I realized I needed to give up sleep and a little bit of sanity to get the grades I need. Naturally, I turned to Red Bull and Adderall to give me those results, and they’ve been great for my lifestyle. It also gives me a sense of what it would be like to be a doctor, and I think I can handle being stressed 24/7 for the rest of my life.”
Many premed clubs at UCSD agree with Stephenson’s logic. “In our club, we also try to encourage members to beat the curve by spreading false information on Piazza, fazing people out by sharing their astronomically high GPAs, and slitting tires of high-scoring students so they can’t make it to class,” said Adrian Yoshino, the president of UCSD’s
Pre-Health Undergraduate Club. “By following PHUC’s strategies of making life as miserable as possible for other people, our members have transformed our campus’ atmosphere into a beautiful hell where only the most cutthroat can survive.”
Stephenson’s family and few remaining friends have shown concern over his choices. “All he ever does is study,” said his mother. “I don’t even think he has hobbies anymore. He used to go on daily runs, but all he does nowadays is sit at his desk with bloodshot eyes, reciting the entire glycolysis pathway by heart.” Stephenson’s friend Nick Tran said, “I managed to get him out of the house once last month to eat dinner with me. But this dude decides to bring his laptop along and do practice problems on critical reading. Like, seriously? Does he realize doctors can have friends and time off as well?”
Stephenson is reportedly unconcerned about these comments towards him. Crushing an Adderall pill into his sixth can of Red Bull, he told reporters, “Sure, I’m a little too Type A for my own good, and maybe I get a bit competitive. But you know what? Type As get As. And if I want to become a medical student, that’s the only thing admissions committees will care about. That being said, I’m about to study, so can you guys shut the hell up now? I need to get a 530 on my MCAT to be competitive for med school.”