On March 12, 26-year-old Irish man Brian Thomas decided to tell his family that he preferred blue over green. It had reportedly taken “years of anguish and soul-searching” for Thomas to come to this conclusion. “I would look at the green apple popsicles at the ice cream stand and be reminded of home,” Brian said, choking, “but when I saw the Firecracker popsicles in the corner of the menu, I knew which popsicle was the right choice. It was like I was betraying my entire country by choosing blue raspberry over green apple, but my hand rejected the apple. I had to choose the one that I wanted to actually eat.”
Thomas, a store clerk from South Carolina, is a self-proclaimed “patron of Irish culture.” Thomas told reporters, “I wear my heritage as a badge of pride; it means so much to me that I even made stickers of it,” said Thomas, amidst placing a “pinch me, I’m not green!” sticker on a stop sign. “I put them all over my hometown, even in towns I don’t live in, just so that people know how Irish I really am. I am a proud Irish man! I come from the greatest greenery on Earth, where the sun shone warm on my face everyday and the rain pelted me as I would run inside.” At local pubs, Thomas reportedly challenges men to drinking battles, often winning and belting the phrase: “May the Irish spirit bless you next time because today — you drank like an American weakling.”
Thomas comes from a family of seven: four girls, one boy, one father, and a mother — all farmers of the russet potato. As potato farmers, the Thomas family follows “the heart and soul of the russet.” Where the russet desires to be sold, the Thomases go to take advantage of economic demand. This business took the family away from Ireland during Brian’s childhood, bringing him to America. Thomas told reporters, while dining on corned beef and cabbage soup, “Coming to America was like stepping into a new world, completely different from the grassy fields of my homeland. There were huge skyscrapers, loud traffic, and not one potato field in sight! This is what really pushed me to finally come out to my parents.”
“I started the conversation by saying that there was something on my mind and how confused I had been feeling. When I looked at my dad, I could tell that he knew exactly what I was going to say. That’s when I decided to launch into the news. I said I was no longer in love with the green of our mother country,” Thomas said, fidgeting with his leprechaun wallet and clover keychain, “I told them no more leprechaun chases and playing with Kelly at the corner shop. I loved blue now. I loved American waters.”
Agnes Thomas, Brian’s mother, described her response to the event: “Why would I care if he doesn’t like the color green? We moved here when he was two-years-old. He knows nothing about Irish culture. It’s like some American drew a leprechaun on a potato while they were drunk and told him ‘this is you,’ and he embraced it like it was spoken by the Heavens.”
Whether you’re at a FOOSH showcase or an MQ meeting, you’ll be sure to hear Hanaa Moosavi laugh—even through her own jokes, and we love her for it. You can catch Hanaa lurking on Facebook, serving her god Mark Zuckerberg as the Muir Quarterly Social and Publicity Ottoman. Hanaa has also been sighted chowing down on her favorite food in the Muir quad, developing her latest scheme to become the first emperor of America: one chaotic MQ comic at a time. That is, when she isn’t crying over dog pictures.