Promise you won’t get mad? Um, I kind of did a bad thing. But I didn’t mean to do it! It just kind of happened, and I know you’re gonna get mad at me, so promise you won’t get mad. You promise? Okay. Well, I kind of helped Mr. Trump commit treason.
Wait, you said you wouldn’t get mad! So what happened was that Mr. Trump was working with Russia to make Hillary look like a big meany, and I was gonna tell you — and I wanted to tell you — but Mr. Trump was like “you should lie.” I mean, he didn’t say it out loud, but he looked at me and I knew he wanted me to lie. So Mr. Trump is the real liar-liar-pants-on-fire, not me!
I’m sorry I lied. And don’t get mad, but there is some other bad stuff I did. You know that porn star that Mr. Trump said he didn’t have sex with? Well, he had sex with her. And that Playboy bunny Mr. Trump said he didn’t have sex with? Well, he had sex with her, too. And I paid them not to tell people. Wait a minute. Don’t get mad at me! It’s not like I’m the one who had sex with them! I just bribed them not to tell people so Mr. Trump wouldn’t look bad! So, really, I helped them by giving them money!
Okay, you look mad. But I did more bad stuff for Mr. Trump that you should know about. You know how Mr. Trump isn’t that smart? Well, he made me threaten his high school not to release his grades or SAT scores. This one isn’t even my fault, though! I just did my job as his lawyer to send intimidating letters to his school. And they weren’t even mad, so you shouldn’t be mad either!
That’s not all. There are other things I need to tell you. Mr. Trump didn’t have bone spurs and he thinks black people are stupid and he didn’t even want to be president in the first place! You aren’t mad at me are you? Like I said earlier, Mr. Trump is a racist and I’m Jewish, so I’m the real victim here! Mr. Trump is a stupid, big meanie and probably wouldn’t have gotten away with half of these things if I hadn’t helped him, but that’s not even important anymore.
What’s important is that I’m telling the truth now, even though I lied to your faces a year-and-a-half ago. But that wasn’t even my fault then! Some other lawyers changed my statement and made me lie in the first place! I promise I didn’t want to lie — it just happened, and I didn’t mean it!
Am I gonna get in trouble? Because I have a wife and kids, and if I get in trouble, they’re gonna ground me forever! I’m sorry I lied. And I’m sorry Mr. Trump made me do bad things that I didn’t wanna do. But I know you have it in your hearts to forgive me. I have a check right here written out to “Congress.” Just tell me your price, and we will forget this whole thing ever happened!