El Chapo Given Pardon by Trump, Becomes New Secretary of Commerce

Written by: Adian Valdez

President Trump said, “all you people out there calling me racist must feel pretty dumb right now.”
Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot

Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, the former leader of the Sinaloa Cartel who was recently convicted on drug trafficking charges, has been given a presidential pardon in a surprise intervention by President Trump and subsequently hired as the new Secretary of Commerce.

On March 11, President Trump issued a presidential pardon to Guzman, citing his “incredible work ethic and tough business attitude” as grounds for the sudden act of amnesty. Within the day, Guzman was transported from maximum security to New York’s Trump Tower. Passersby noted Guzman making “thumbs-ups” and “finger guns” at observers, and at one point stopping to “floss” at some children.

“Freeing El Chapo was a great decision. The best,” said President Trump at the following press conference. “Doing this is hitting two birds with one stone. One: we get a real businessman as our new money guy, one who isn’t afraid to get tough. Also, he’s an expert on bad dudes bringing drugs over our exposed border. With him, the wall will be even more magnificent. Glorious. Bigly. He’s the best guy to stop the drugs coming over our border, believe me.” Upon the president saying this, one reporter threw his notepad in the air and stormed out of the conference room, yelling, “This is some ‘Twilight Zone’ shit.”

“Secretary Guzman would like to say that he is grateful for the opportunity to serve our country,” said a spokesman for Guzman. “When he takes office next week, he will execute his plan to cut deficits and maximize profits — beginning by executing Chinese market heads to get a leg up on the trade war. From there, Secretary Guzman will encourage job growth in the pharmaceutical narcotic development sectors, trucking/shipping businesses, and international trade. He’s so proactive that he’s already got a tremendous deal signed with several Colombian business organizations to promote these new policies.”

Guzman’s flash confirmation by the Senate won by a slim majority with Republicans voting “yes” and Democrats voting “no” with each senator following party-lines.“Hiring a convicted leader of a drug empire to serve in the federal government? Hell, we’ve done worse,” remarked Chuck Grassley, the Republican senator from Iowa.

“I’d take it to the Supreme Court, but we both know how that would go,” said Robert Menendez, Democrat senator from New Jersey, dejectedly. “Chapo would just slip Kavanaugh some angel dust and he’d go right through. Beer ain’t the only thing Kava likes enough to mention 29 times during a hearing.”

The Republican decision was reportedly made last-minute at the direction of Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell. An anonymous source claimed that prior to the vote’s announcement, they overheard a phone conversation McConnell had in the hallway during a recess. McConnell reportedly whispered, “Donald, this wasn’t in the fucking script. Everyone’s asking me what to vote on this, and I didn’t get any direction from you. You can’t just spring things like this on us, do you expect us to actually think for ourselves?”

“El Chapo’s gonna do a great job. Tremendous,” said President Trump. “He’s smart. Nobody else would have thought to station Department of Commerce agents at border checkpoints instead of CBP, except me. El Chapo’s an upstanding guy, unlike liar Michael Cohen or the 42 other terrible quitters I’ve had the last two years. I hire the best people. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it.”

Copy Editor at The MQ

Here lies the bio of a guitar jammin, halo playin, copy editin, ISTJ personality typin member of the MQ. Adian Valdez is not only the lead copy editor of the MQ, he is a deeply committed member of Triton Halo, Muir Musical and his fraternity of which I do not know the name. The MQ urges you to listen to this king’s music on iTunes or Spotify and maybe he will AP style the hell out of your papers.

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