Local Phone Charged With Battery

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Paul’s iPhone had a prior arrest record including three charges of jailbreaking.
Photo by: Jack Yang

Local phone “Paul’s iPhone” was charged with battery of Anker PowerCore 20100 after a “desperate attempt to stay alive” resulted in the death of the Anker device. The phone, a rose-gold iPhone 7 about 5.5 inches tall, was seen at the crime scene five minutes before it went dark. No further information was retrieved. Paul’s iPhone was taken into custody and rushed to a local charging station after attempts using battery-related methods failed. The damage done includes a cracked screen on the iPhone, an indent on the PowerBank, and “being forced to look like an idiot and carry around an open laptop just to listen to Spotify while walking.”

“It was all out of energy,” said Darrel Andero regarding his PowerCore. “I tried to save it, but it couldn’t be helped, and now we’re in this situation. I can’t believe Paul would just kill my battery like that. He deserves the charge he was given.” Beyond some scuff marks, the battery impact on Andero’s PowerCore has reportedly led him to search for new Anker PowerCore models. Andero “feels bad” that his isn’t the newest model, which is “only like 10 dollars more.” Andero stated further that he intends to buy the newer model and look for “a sweet deal on a lightly used Anker PowerCore on UCSD Free and For Sale: offered for five dollars below market price!”

Onlookers of the crime have since reportedly prepared for a repeat incident. “I thought this area was safe,” said witness Ashley Redd, “but now I have to be ready for things to just drop dead and die around me? And they killed someone who was just trying to help them! I ordered one of those cases that have a portable battery in them. In the meantime, I’ve been keeping my head down and not making eye contact with any potential low-percentage-phone threats.” Other bystanders reported seeing “shady characters” in hooded sweatshirts fraternizing with each other in the Price Center Charging Station “probably harassing women and dealing cocaine.”

After the incident, Paul’s iPhone could not be resuscitated, and died during transit. Paul Kollis, who held Paul’s iPhone until its death, expressed regret that the iPhone could not be saved. “I feel like I should just upgrade to an iPhone X now, but those are so expensive and I feel like the iPhone 11 or whatever is going to be so much better. I do need a phone though, and you can’t see the screen through the cracks on this one anymore, so I’m going to let it die and buy a used iPhone 8.” Kollis has since found a new phone to accompany him, as well as his own Anker PowerCore. “Finally, dude,” commented Kollis, “next time I need to charge my phone portably, I won’t have that asshole Darrel throwing a heavy-ass charger directly at my phone.”

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Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.

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