MQ Trophy Husband
Congress Decides to Take More Funds Away from the EPA
Congress has decided to pull back even more funding from the Environmental Protection Agency during its last meeting. Congressman Devin Nunes, a rigid and active climate-denier, …
Local UCSD Student Finally learns Roommate’s Name
Second year UCSD student Neil Caiman told reporters he recently noticed a fourth apartment-mate living with him that he had not accounted for just last night. …
US-Mexico Border Patrol to Be Equipped with Bazookas, Consolatory Mints
Starting next week, all southern Border Patrol units are to be equipped with new supplies and protocols, including new uniforms reminiscent of those in early 2000’s …
Muir College Mourns Record-Setting 13th Freshman Lost to Giant Crows
Late last night, the Campus Security Office at UCSD reported that Muir College had its record-setting thirteenth student loss this quarter to flocks of crows frequenting …
Freshman Excited to Start Anthropology Major after Third Time Seeing Jurassic Park
Having just started her first year at UCSD, Ariel Stewart has been described by her roommates as being “unreasonably excited” to be studying her true passion: …
Graduating Senior Finds Graduated Cylinder More Accurate Than “Eyeballing It”
Last week, graduating senior Hank Marlon had a huge discovery when he was about to enter his last laboratory class, BIMM 121. He came forward in …
Local College Club Told to Waste University Money, Wastes University Money
UCSD has reported a 20,000 dollar loss since the beginning of December that is unrelated to professors’ pay, dorm renovations, or raising the quality of food …
Scientists Claim Tectonics are Pushing Sixth College Away at Rate of Nail Growth
Scientists have finally come forward to say in their own words what everyone was thinking: “Sixth College is simply TOO far away.” A confidential scientific source …
