November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II

Written by: MQ Trophy Husband

Late last night, the Campus Security Office at UCSD reported that Muir College had its record-setting thirteenth student loss this quarter to flocks of crows frequenting around campus. As a result, authorities have dubbed this murder of crows as “The Pines Watch.”

“Often times, new freshmen do not realize the dangers of living in a crow-infested campus and don’t know how to behave when confronted by them.“ Muir RSO Brandon Gonzales explained to reporters, “It’s like that film, Jurassic Park. While students spend too much time wondering if they can instead of stopping and asking themselves if they should, the giant crows find a way.”

The crows reportedly travel in small packs and use their abnormally large size to attract unsuspecting students. Personnel walking alone in wide open spaces are encouraged to avoid stopping to look at food scraps for too long, and to proceed near flocks of birds with extreme caution.

Concerned families are accumulating, and are trying to pursue legal action against UCSD. “How are we supposed to sleep peacefully at night if we cannot be sure our children are safe here at UCSD?” expressed concerned mother Carol Willis, “I thought I was sending my kid to a casualty-free, crow-proof campus.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *