Scientists Claim Tectonics are Pushing Sixth College Away at Rate of Nail Growth


Written by: MQ Trophy Husband

“Finally,” said one Sixth College student. “A campus as cracked and broken as I am.”
Photo by: Katherine Wood

Scientists have finally come forward to say in their own words what everyone was thinking: “Sixth College is simply TOO far away.” A confidential scientific source has explained that, due to tectonic movement, Sixth College is being pushed further away from the rest of campus.

“You see, the Pacific tectonic plate is being pushed upwards, and this clashes with the North American tectonic plate. This causes mini-tremors that push some areas of the land,” explained Obediah Trifilio, a first-year undeclared student trying to get into the Geology major.

Trifilio supplied evidence, explaining that he had classes at 8:00 a.m. in Pepper Canyon Hall three days a week, and that his morning walk now takes him 16 minutes, as opposed to the 13 minutes it took him during the 2016 fall quarter. Rosa Williams, a friend of Trifilio’s, added: “Classes in Pepper Canyon hall might as well be a commute from ERC, and visiting friends that live in Sixth seems like going on a three day expedition.”

Joseph Betrem, an engineering student living in Muir College, explained how he struggled because of these tectonic movements.

“Last Saturday, I went to visit my friend Nickolas in his room at Sixth,” Betrem said, “and we decided to watch the Laker’s game and then play some Call of Duty with his roommates. By the time we were done, I was so exhausted I decided to take an Uber back to the other side of campus. It was just not worth the effort to go back,” said Betrem. “I did not want to leave at 6:00 p.m. to arrive at my room 30 minutes later. I mean, it’s almost comparable to the walk down to the beach, and I already do that twice a week!”

Scientists have recently discovered some alarming facts. New information suggests that, at the current rate, a space large enough to house a completely new college will open up on UCSD’s campus by 2024.

According to Chancellor Khosla, he is already “on top of it,” saying: “Seventh College plans are already underway. It will be the best college ever designed. We are planning on including a residence hall with a pool on the top floor, and we are also negotiating so that we can include an In-n-Out that will accept Dining Dollars as a dining hall. It is going to be the best college ever. It will be huge, very pretty, and will have better housing than any other residence hall on campus.”

Sixth College student Andrew Loras responded to the new facts saying, “Look, I just wanted to live on-campus with my friends, and Sixth was the only place that we were offered.” He then quickly left to purchase another parking permit for his class in Peterson Hall on Tuesdays.

Finally, a UCSD representative has responded to the complaints about Sixth’s distance in an announcement, stating they have picked a new name for Sixth College “to distract — I mean alleviate any concerns from this matter.” After 2017, Sixth College will be named after famous explorer Thomas Orwell Farr, becoming the T. O. Farr College.

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