Local College Club Told to Waste University Money, Wastes University Money


Written by: MQ Trophy Husband

The motorcyclist looked worried. Khosla slyly grinned and chuckled, “Looks like you brought a hog to a hog fight.”
Photo by: Lawrence Lee

UCSD has reported a 20,000 dollar loss since the beginning of December that is unrelated to professors’ pay, dorm renovations, or raising the quality of food served in dining halls. The loss of funds has allegedly been traced back to a student-run organization, which has not denied the accusations. One student belonging to the organization said that UCSD explicitly told them to waste university money for their club meetings and events.

“We merely did what the university told us to do,” said George Keif, a student in the club. “They were okay with our fundraising, catered parties and hog riding. We bought ten hogs, each of which cost at least 260 dollars. We also used some of the money for hospital bills when Nick fell off his hog on the stairway doing tricks near Peterson Hall. That was at least 1000 dollars to pay the doctors to reconstruct his pelvis. That’s not even including the tip we gave them for being so helpful.”

“The money has been used for renovations,” claimed another student, Sasha Thompson. “We upgraded our meeting space to include newer sofas and waterbeds. We even paid for a Geek Squad member to quit his lame job and join us when we play videogames after meetings. These changes really eliminate the awkward time when no one is talking during our meetings.”

The former Geek Squad employee has stated that he has enjoyed hog riding with the club members and especially enjoys his new pay.

“This is a step up,” said the Geek. “The pay is far better, I really feel included in the activities, and the meetings are much more interesting than those boring conferences that I had to attend previously. And they actually do some of the stuff they say. I don’t have to wait three years to fix a TV that is permanently stuck on PBS. I’m glad I don’t have to wear those tacky blue polo shirts anymore. Hell, sometimes I can be shirtless when I ride the hogs. There are also fewer arguments over promotions or bathroom stalls.”

Last Thursday, reporters received an email from Papa John’s, expressing that UCSD had broken the records for the most orders of Extra Cheesy Crust Deluxe Pizza with All the Toppings™ in under a month.

“We actually had never received an order for the Extra Cheesy Crust Deluxe Pizza with All the Toppings™ before! We included it in the menu as a joke,” said teary-eyed Larry, manager for the La Jolla Papa Johns.

After these interviews, reporters decided to ask the Treasurer of UCSD about the funds, who responded to questions by giving reporters a piece of white copy paper that had differential equations on one side and the word “YOLO” written on the back side.

The 20,000 dollars that was spent does not include the money the university spends paying for collateral damage caused by this congregation of people: paying people to go said fundraisers does the opposite of raising funds. They even set up a Netflix, Hulu and Amazon Prime accounts with the university’s money just to see which one carried the newest season of Modern Family first.

As to what the future holds for this very quirky group, their acting chief Gwynnifer explained, “I don’t know man, we just get the funds from a university staff member who’s always knocking on our door, and why would we say no to money for free hog rides?”

Written by: David Vereau Gorbitz and Rene Mejia

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