Freshman Excited to Start Anthropology Major after Third Time Seeing Jurassic Park

Written by: MQ Trophy Husband

Stewart expressed to reporters that she couldn’t wait to write her final dissertation on the relationship between dinosaurs and humans in the Stone Age.
Photo by: Levi Riley

Having just started her first year at UCSD, Ariel Stewart has been described by her roommates as being “unreasonably excited” to be studying her true passion: anthropology. Stewart told reporters that she wouldn’t have been able to find her life’s calling if it wasn’t for the ‘Jurassic Park’ trilogy.

“It was in early August of last year,” Stewart recounted, “I had to start thinking about applying to college more seriously and I couldn’t figure out what I really wanted to do. All I had really considered at that point was becoming a mixologist for bar mitzvahs, and everyone knows that you have to go to an Ivy League school to excel in that profession.

“I was going through a slump until my bestie asked me what my
favorite movie was,” Stewart continued. “When I told her it was “Jurassic World,” she got unreasonably excited, telling me how she loved Dr. Alan Grant and that the movie itself was her personal hero. After a lot of clarification and much more yelling, she not-so-calmly told me that there was an original, older “Jurassic Park,” and that I had to watch it. After one week and having watched the “Jurassic Park” trilogy at least six times, I can honestly state that I have found my true passion and it is definitely anthropology. Also, Jeff Goldblum is a total babe.”

Reporters also had a chance to talk with Ariel’s roommates, Carla and Marie. “I honestly have had it up to here with Ariel and her goddamned lizards,” said Marie, pointing toward the ceiling that was covered with glittery dinosaur stickers. “They are freaking me out,” she said, while gesturing at a mountain of stuffed dinosaurs. Marie also told reporters, “The other night I woke up to get some water and some neon green, weird looking, googly-eyed gizmodosaurus was staring straight at my bed.”

According to our research, Marie’s weekly horoscope suggests that she will not be happy about the giant Jeff Goldblum cardboard cut out that Ariel ordered for their room.

“We just didn’t know it was even feasible to be this obsessed about any particular subject,” explained Carla. “I like my classes for my major and all, but you don’t see me filling the room with ‘How to Get Away With Murder’
paraphernalia. Sometimes I hear Ariel practice her roars before going to bed; it’s almost like she plans to become a dinosaur.”

After receiving no word from Stewart for two weeks, Marie finally told reporters on Monday, “I honestly don’t know what’s going on, I’ve gone to academic counselling multiple times and have even gotten in contact with some classmates and teachers; they all told me how they loved their debate class, or how eye opening their multiculturalism class was. I’ve been told many times that I should really start enrolling in classes such as ‘The Human Skeleton’ or ‘Sociocultural Complexity,’ but I just want to learn more about dinosaurs and bones! Next thing you know, I’ll have to enroll in classes about the Raiders, the Lost Ark, or The Raiders on the Lost Ark.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *