Last Sunday night, the New England Patriots claimed victory in Super Bowl 53 over the Los Angeles Rams by the score of 13-03, marking their 6th Super Bowl triumph in the Thomas Brady era. Amidst groans and accusations of cheating from unsurprised watchers, Brady celebrated the win with a yawn. When asked about his feelings, he replied, “I’m excited for the buffet, but I’m just trying to focus on the next one, you know? ‘Brady wins a Super Bowl ring and a senior citizen discount’ has a nice ring to it.” At the end of the game, Brady announced his retirement, stating that he wants to spend the rest of his life becoming a farmhand in northern Massachusetts.

Upon hearing the news, Satan himself reportedly rose from the abyss to take Patriots coach Bill Belichick. After seeing Satan, Belichick removed his headset and took his place beside Satan, saying he was “ready to go back home to Hell.” When asked for any last words, Belichick replied, “We’re on to Cincinnati!”