Written by: MQ Trophy Husband

Local metal enthusiast Solomon Parker was found by his roommates in his bedroom last night, on his bed listening to Ariana Grande’s latest album. Solomon is known for his pride in being a “pure metalhead,” with the walls in his rooms covered by posters from all the classics: Metallica, Anthrax, and Pantera, as well as more modern artists like Protest the Hero, Anathema, and Helloween.

“He has four different styles of headbanging and he has mastered the death metal growl, so I never thought I would catch him listening to ‘God is a woman,’” Solomon’s roommate Daniel explained. “I’m just used to hearing noises coming out of his room that can only be described as someone trying to shear a cat, so hearing a melodic line was enough to know something was wrong. Normally I’m scared to go inside his room in case he’s in the middle of a ritualistic sacrifice, but I haven’t seen any goats in the last couple of months.”

When confronted about the strange change in taste, Solomon refused to give a testimony, stating that he had a Between the Buried and Me concert to prepare for, which included throwing himself repeatedly at a wall to train for the mosh pit and routinely checking Katy Perry’s fan-club page every 15-minutes.

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