“I think I have an apartment building stuck in my molars,” said Seljuk.
Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot
Otto Seljuk, 23-year-old San Diego resident, has reportedly consumed the entire country of Turkey over the course of the Thanksgiving holiday, according to relatives and eyewitnesses. While many were doubtful of the claim at first, satellite imaging has confirmed Seljuk’s feat, with a Turkey-shaped sea in the place of what used to be the lands of the Turkish Republic. In an official press release, Seljuk described the meal as “a little dry, but otherwise a feast fit for a sultan.”
“It had a surprisingly diverse flavor to it — like a real East-West fusion dish right there,” said Seljuk. “Although around the end, the Islamic flavors were getting a little too strong. I think whoever made it this time around was trying to put their spin on the original recipe, but started adding in too much. Personally, I think the original had just the right amount; it was a nice ‘Sharia on top.’”
When asked why he specifically chose to consume Turkey, Seljuk explained his thought process. “I mean, when you’re choosing what dish to carve into on Thanksgiving Day, you’ve got to take it seriously. Would you eat, say, a rack of lamb on Thanksgiving? By George, of course not! And once you’ve narrowed it down to common-sense choices, you need to make sure it won’t cost you an arm and a leg. And it shouldn’t be greasy, either. No, I’m not spouting these off at ‘Iran’-dom.”
Turkish citizens were initially unavailable for comment, as media access to Seljuk’s digestive tract has been extremely limited. Enhanced acoustic technology was employed in order to interview citizens from behind the walls of Seljuk’s stomach. Aynur Peynirci, a woman from Kayseri, was able to offer her thoughts on the situation. “Not much has changed really, other than the perpetual darkness and the eastern part of the country dissolving in stomach acid,” said Peynirci. “It’s not too bad, though. I’m spending more on lighting now, but I’m going to make some big savings on my heating bills this winter.”
Mehmet Balik, a native of Trabzon — which was among the cities consumed in the first bite — offered another perspective. “This Seljuk or whatever could have used a knife like a civilized human being and just cut my house and my mom cleanly in half. But noooooo, he just had to make me watch the woman who raised me get gnashed to pieces by his molars,” recounted Balik in an irritated tone. “Now all of football’s canceled because this is a ‘national emergency’ or something. This is soooooooooooooooo lame!”
Reporters were later able to secure an exclusive interview with Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. Erdogan reassured his constituents that Turkey would persevere. “The good old Ottoman Empire was carved up like a turkey and consumed by Westerners, so you could say we have survived this before,” proclaimed Erdogan, after what reportedly sounded like Erdogan shoving a dissident into the acid-filled depths of Seljuk’s stomach. “And besides, this now means that no foreigners can come and ruin my- er, I mean, now that dastardly Fethullah Gulen can’t launch insidious, totally not false-flag coup attempts!”
While the full political and economic consequences of Seljuk’s actions have yet to be determined, Seljuk himself has wasted no time in capitalizing on the spotlight he has received. Seljuk announced plans to write a retrospective book on the meal which will retell the events in greater detail. According to sources close to Seljuk, the book will be titled: “Dinner with the Turks: How Constantinople Became the Works.”
Chris Jin is a fourth year at UCSD
