In Aftermath of California Wildfires, Trump Bans Leaves

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

The tree was finally arrested only after the officer bravely unloaded six shots into it.
Photo by: Hannah Lykins

President Trump enacted an executive order on Monday December 3, to ban leaves scattered on forest floors. Because wildfires in California have led to significant damage to the environment and to people that live in affected areas, Trump stated that he is dedicated to finding a solution. Trump noted his understanding that Finland did not have California’s current misfortune due to the forest management practice of diligently raking forest floors, stating, “Finland’s policies really made me understand what issue we’re talking about here. When I talked to the mayor of California, good man, very fine man, Hillary Clinton supporter, not actually that great of a man. Uh, he said something about global warming, but the raking thing that Finland does makes a lot more sense to me. We’re going to make leaves illegal. It’s going to be great.”

It’s unclear how this policy will work, though Trump did briefly explain the legal process of this order, “So we’ll get all these leaves out of California and it will be great. Global warming has nothing to do with this. Do you see me catching on fire when it gets a little hot outside? No, and we’re not worried about our forests getting sunburned. Wait, are we? Someone remind me to look into forest sunscreen.”

Other White House staff explained that the federal ban will go into effect throughout 2019 and will assure a significant decrease in unemployment due to citizen raking positions. Eventually, all leaves will be raked out of the United States, and the government will place citizen rakers in positions so they can take action on any trees that decide to break this new law.

In response to those who have told him that removing all leaves would not be realistic, Trump assured confidence in the United States’ forest management process, explaining, “See, what people don’t realize is we don’t even need to get rid of ALL the leaves. I don’t care if leaves come into this country, really. I get that they give us oxygen and things like that, and they know we have the trading power to get it. We just need those leaves to come in legally. They can’t be the dangerous, wildfire-spreading leaves California is producing right now.”

Citizens have expressed various supportive and critical opinions on the order. “He just can’t do this,” said 24-year-old California resident Joey Dolson. “He can’t just ignore climate change and pretend people can just rake some leaves to fix this. The wildfires have been devastating to me and my family. We had to move and walk around wearing masks for weeks. I hope the next wildfire is localized to the White House.”

50-year-old Mississippi resident Jenny Rosen expressed a different opinion, “I think Trump’s initiative is very exciting. I bought my son a rake as soon as I could. Maybe now he’ll move to California and finally get a fucking job.”

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Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.

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