Volume 25 Issue 3
Area Teen upset After being forced to place Presents at Midnight
Local high school student Sam Mower was asked by his parents to place presents for his sibling underneath the tree at midnight on Christmas Day. Mower …
Top Ten Reasons God Has to Be Real
1. Because God said so
2. Because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to say “My god is better than your god” to third world countries
3. I didn’t waste 15 dollars on a “Coexist” bumper sticker for nothing
4. Someone told me I am loved, and I can’t think of any other explanation
5. Because 18 years of resisting masturbation would have been wasted
6. I saw him behind a Target after eight Five-Hour Energies
7. Because I need a good excuse to watch VeggieTales
8. I would know. We’re tight
9. I mean, doesn’t everyone have that voice in their head telling them to kill their firstborn?
10. If he didn’t exist, I’d just look like a bigot
Area Ass Just Won’t Quit
After many of her Twitter followers called for her to retire and local teenagers nicknamed her “the Dumbass of San Diego,” area Ass Fanny Kiester announced …
Area Student Surprised They Failed a Class They Never Attended
Last Sunday, area student Levi Schreiber voiced her surprise after going on to TritonEd and seeing that her grade was a 62 percent. “It’s incredible!” Levi …
Top Ten Reasons Santa Missed Your House This Year
1. Santa’s allergic to nerds
2. He got injured in the War on Christmas
3. You live in Antarctica, and he can’t really justify the commute
4. He knew exactly what you were gonna use that VR headset for
5. Santa’s real, but you aren’t
6. Endangered species laws were repealed, and he didn’t make it past Texas
7. You forgot to change your legal place of residence
8. He heard you were talking shit
9. What made you think Santa wanted vegan cookies?
10. He kissed your mom last year, and now things are just too awkward
