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Area Ass Just Won’t Quit

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“You can’t make me quit, I’m your biggest asset!” said Keister.
Photo by: Adian Valdez

After many of her Twitter followers called for her to retire and local teenagers nicknamed her “the Dumbass of San Diego,” area Ass Fanny Kiester announced via Twitter that she has no intention of leaving her job at the Mars Candy Factory in Southern California.

Just last month, Kiester celebrated her 75th birthday with a tweet that stated she had worked at the Mars Candy Factory for over 30 years, and she intended to work there for another 30. “@millenials Happy Birthday to me … and also, I’ll never die, so don’t plan on stealing my cozy job making Snickers all day LOL #hardworking.”

Many of Kiester’s followers praised her loyalty and hard work, but some of her followers took issue with her tweet, saying that she should retire to allow younger people to join the workforce. One of her followers, Lily Maine, told reporters, “The job market is pretty rough right now, and most millenials like myself have to work multiple minimum-wage jobs just to get by. With current rent prices and the college loans I’ve accumulated, you would think that Fanny would feel bad about ruining the economy and just move to Florida and spend the rest of her life knitting. Instead, the old witch refuses to quit working when she’s already saved enough to be able to never work again. I guess that means I can look forward to comfortably retiring when I’m 102.”

Not only have Kiester’s followers complained about her resistance towards
retiring, but some of Kiester’s coworkers reached out to reporters to discuss their responses to Kiester’s tweet. One of Kiester’s coworkers told reporters, “Sure, Fanny’s been here a long time. And she’s okay to be around, but she can’t perform her duties like she used to. In her prime Fanny was able to sort M&Ms faster than anyone else, but just last week she accidentally filled an M&Ms bag with only brown M&Ms. No child wants that.”

Kiester’s boss, Jerry Cornham, also spoke with reporters and said, “It would be nice to hire and train some new workers here at Mars. But we can’t afford to bring in anyone new with the high salary and medical benefits we are paying Fanny. She definitely has enough money to stop working, so I’m not sure why she’s stayed.”

Kiester told reporters that she acknowledges her financial stability, but stays at Mars for another reason. “If I quit, then I’ll have nothing to do all day. My kids and grandkids won’t talk to me because they think I’m an ass. I have no friends because everyone thinks I stink. The only kind of human
connections I have are the ones people are forced to have with me because our jobs require us to work together. If I don’t work, I think I’ll hit rock bottom.”

As of last Monday, Kiester’s coworkers and Twitter followers still hope that she will retire. Meanwhile, Kiester remains adamant about staying at Mars. Kiester told reporters, “They all told me to slow down and take it easy. But guess what? This ass refuses to quit, and until I retire, they can either get off my ass, or they can kiss it.”

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