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Canadian Woman to Celebrate Boxing Day by “Kicking the Shit Out of Shoppers”

Written by: Steven Zhou

After spending Christmas Eve with her church and spending Christmas Day with her family, Toronto native Tricia Thompson plans to wrap her wrists and get ready to “beat the shit” out of her fellow Canadians who are waiting to storm the local Walmart for on-sale items that are to “kill for” — sometimes literally — on Boxing Day.

“I’m probably responsible for about 15 deaths so far in my life, all of which were on Boxing Day,” Thompson said. “In fairness though, one of them was an elderly lady who came out of nowhere. I was trying to get to the electronics section, but I ended up trampling her. What can I say? You snooze, you lose.”

Thompson’s family has shown some concern over her behavior on Boxing Day. “Last year, Tricia socked our son in the stomach because she thought he was someone trying to steal a toaster we got on sale,” Thompson’s husband reported. “She ended up breaking two of his ribs, and I had to take him to the hospital alone because, a second later, Tricia got into another fight over a pair of headphones that were 25 percent off.”

Thompson’s father believes he could have stopped his daughter’s obsession over “end-of-the-year sale” violence when she was younger. “I blame myself for this, honestly. Back when she was still a child, she picked fights with other kids in the toy section on Boxing Day to get her favorite dolls. My wife and I tried stopping her, but she would always kick me in the nuts and run off searching for another thing, and I just got too scared to put an end to it.”
Thompson is aware of her family’s concerns, but she remains dedicated to her Boxing Day behavior. “It’s called ‘Boxing Day’ for a reason, right? If someone takes the last 70-inch plasma TV, I have the right to put on my gloves and pummel the crap out of them until they give me what I rightfully deserve.”

Other items that Thompson plans on fighting to the death for include a bundle of outdated video games, a tiny toaster oven, and a measuring cup set that she “knows she’ll never use.” Thompson declined to respond when asked why she needs all of these items when she already owns 20 more from Boxing Day years before.

Following the interview, Tricia Thompson turned her attention again on Boxing Day by practicing her uppercuts on a punching bag she took from a fellow shopper three years ago. “My neighbors jumped me last year and took the last cake-pop oven from me,” she said. “I will get vengeance
this year.”

Content Editor at The MQ

Steven Zhou was made in Canada and designed in California. He tolerates writing and has been occasionally funny since 2016.

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