“What do we want?” “Baking!” “When do we want it?” “When the internal temperature has reached 165 degrees Fahrenheit!” the crowd chanted.
Photo by: Hannah Lykins
UC Berkeley administration banned the public viewing or endorsement of the BBC television series “The Great British Baking Show” a few weeks into the new fall semester. The show, a reality competition series starring British amateur bakers, has been deemed “too friendly” to be shown to Berkeley students lest it ruin the notoriously difficult, competitive environment Berkeley requires for its students to “fight and connive their ways into grad schools.”
Chancellor Carol T. Christ released a statement explaining her strong disdain for the popular show, stating, “What example does it set to our students to see people running around and making friends in the midst of a competition? You think they improved their baking with all that comradery and foolishness? They’re known as amateurs for a reason and we hold our students to a higher standard than that. If our students don’t stay in shape, they’ll have to be ‘torte’ a lesson by our academic probation team.
“Do you think Mary Berry got to where she is now — making amateur bakers fall to their knees at the utterance of a single ‘that’s scrummy’ — without melting a few Baked Alaskas on her way?” Chancellor Christ continued. “She’s so confident because she knows none of the contestants will ever rival her with their playing and their smiling and their ‘absolutely chuffed’ demeanors. I respect her for that.” Christ ended her statement by excitedly laughing at the thought of watching contestants “get dragged out by their ladyfingers.”
“I don’t quite get the ban myself,” commented Maisie Jones, president of UC Berkeley’s Great British Baking Show Fan Club. “‘The Great British Baking Show’ is really quite a good, wholesome time and I don’t see how a few bakers’ healthy friendships will harm my success. It’s a dodgy affair if I do say so myself. I disagree with the chancellor and in fact, I think Berkeley could do a bit of good becoming more like the baking show. Getting showered with hugs for winning Star Baker seems like a much more rewarding experience than getting ostracized for receiving one of the three A’s my classics professor is allowed to give this semester.”
Days after the ban was announced, several students commenced a baking protest, with several members of the fan club using their on-campus apartments to cook various British classics, including Victoria sandwiches, mille-feuille, and something ambiguously called “chips.” After the initial announcement of the protest, Jones received Facebook friend requests from over one-thousand students, most of which had reportedly been “too busy studying” to get boba with Jones before this week. Many students responded “going” on the Facebook event initially, though over half of those reportedly changed their response over the course of the protest due to food poisoning from the “wildly” undercooked food.
In spite of the continuing ban, Chancellor Christ is rumored to be planning a watch party from her office, where they will “binge this show like Paul would binge a plate of pork cracklings” with the rest of the administrative board, according to a leaked memo. In response to this new information, Jones criticized the administration’s “half-baked hypocrisy” and declared that she and her peers “would not be denied this stepping scone to justice.”
Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.
