CNN released a poll on Wednesday, September 12, finding that 75 percent of millenials are willing to vote for the corpse of Bernie Sanders in the 2020 presidential election. When asked for clarification, a CNN reporter responded, “That wasn’t originally an option. 75 percent of the respondents put that on the write-in option.”
According to a recent statement by Mary Beth Cahill, CEO of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), Cahill personally attempted to contact Bernie Sanders in an attempt to “reach out in genuine ideological kinship to our democratic socialist brothers and sisters, so they may see that the current DNC administration — without any changes — would suit them perfectly fine,” but could not find him after a “very heartfelt email” and reported Sanders to be “missing, but probably, definitely dead.”
Cahill assured concerned democratic socialists that Sanders and his political views “are to be sorely missed and will never be relevant again.” In the same statement, Cahill also apologized for her incorrect statement in 2016 concerning the deaths of Donald Trump, Martin O’Malley, and Twitter user @crooked-hillarys-emails.
After the debacle of the 2016 elections, the DNC announced plans to get a head-start by figuring out the most popular candidate before the voting takes place and requested that CNN take a poll of millennials, one of the largest growing voter bases, to see who should be ignored in favor of another callous millionaire.
“I know that Hillary Clinton technically won the popular vote, but if we’re being honest, that was a lesser-of-two-evils situation, even if it’s like comparing a mosquito to a coral snake,” Cahill explained. “If we want to win the 2020 election, we’re going to need a good candidate that the people want. And then we’re going to besmirch that candidate, make them run third party, and split the vote. I know it hasn’t worked yet, but I’m sure it’ll do well this time.”
In spite of the Democratic Party’s self-destruction, some millennials remain hopeful that the Democrats will finally nominate a socialist candidate, like the corpse of Bernie Sanders. Several such millennials reached out following the poll to give the explanation for their write-ins, giving reasons like “I’m a democratic socialist, but that’s not really a separate option,” “I mean, anything but Trump,” and “Why do you think Weekend at Bernie’s was made?”
According to political analysts, the millennial voter base is looking for a strong democratic socialist candidate with actual intentions for social equality and change, as well as someone who has some form of connection with the common people. After Ocasio- Cortez — one of the first democratic socialists to win candidacy — had her recent victory in the House of Representatives, many millenials are reportedly antsy for a vast change in the political landscape.
However, Ocasio-Cortez’s victory has also left many older voters with a white-knuckle grip on the political climate, with a recent Washington Post poll finding that over 70 percent of older Democratic voters would rather get their will started than vote for a socialist, despite the rising quantity of socialist voters and qualified socialist candidates.
After being asked for a projected candidate for the 2020 election, the DNC and its donors suggested that Hillary Clinton might return to run again, citing her massive success in the 2016 elections and the fact that “she’s a representative for the people. Feminists love women, the rich love the rich, and white people love white people. She ticks all the boxes we need.”
At press time, Sanders was allegedly reported as being “very alive” in a statement for the DNC. Cahill responded by re-sending her original request to interview Sanders, with a short addition concerning his “very alive” political ideals and “how similar they actually are to Hillary Clinton’s,” to which the Vermont senator responded, “You’ll have to kill me first.”