East Coast Really Cold, Showing Signs that Global Warming Ceased


Written by: Samantha Cane

Scientists were confused when reexamining the ice sample to find it had disappeared, and the microscope was strangely wet.
Photo by: Jessica Ma

Despite the East Coast’s unforseen cold front during winter of 2017, scientists claim the event shows a “positive” outlook for Earth’s future, and future rising temperatures along with other obscure weather patterns are expected to decrease in severity. These scientific observations have lead to a nation-wide consensus to cease all global warming preventive measures.

Various meteorologists have reported that the east coast had experienced drops reaching as great as 50 degrees, much lower than anticipated predictions. According to one scientist from a Nevada weather station, it is safe to assume global warming will no longer be a problem. The scientist, who requested anonymity, argued, “The East Coast did go through a lot of struggles with this cold spike. I mean, that’s terrible, but these super cold temperatures mean that the Earth stopped warming up! I mean, we haven’t gotten snow here in over ten years, so global warming must be done for.”

In response to this recent scientific development, scientists have voiced concerns about how President Trump will react. One scientist from an Arizona weather station, who requested anonymity, commented, “I know he’s skeptical of us — modern scientists, I mean. But I’m really worried that he’ll misinterpret what these extremely cold temperatures mean. He might think global warming is real or something stupid when really it’s just the opposite!”

However, this past December, many families lost their homes, and some their lives, during devastating wildfires that frequented California, leaving many to question if climate change has truly ended. Dr. Evans, a Californian climatologist who was personally affected, has avidly argued against the anti-global warming wave: “I’m honestly horrified. I don’t know what’s worse, the Earth deteriorating before my eyes or these dumbasses who call themselves scientists. Once I rebuild my house and buy a new dog, I’ll do more outreach opportunities and spread the word that people need to be afraid of this global warming threat, and that climate change is real.”

In the midst of his peer’s anticipation for President Trump’s response, Dr. Evans commented, “California literally went up in flames these past few months, but that’s just normal, I guess?”

After voicing his contrasting view, Dr. Evans allegedly received hate by other scientists, with some even threatening to burn down his new house. According to most of the hate mail, his view is a cause for concern by his criticizers due to its potential influence over the public, specifically Trump.

A scientist who purportedly contacted Dr. Evans after his controversial comment disguised his voice over the phone to give this statement: “If Evans keeps this shit up, we won’t get government funding for our research
departments. Of course Trump is going to assume global warming just suddenly stopped, but if we agree with him for once, then maybe he’ll finally get us funded.”

Dr. Evans is reportedly residing and surviving in his lab to focus on his research after being ostracized by his peers. While fumbling with his sleeping bag, Dr. Evans stated, “You know, now that I sat down and really thought about it, I’d like to change my statement. I’ve come to
realize that I’ve been smoking too much weed, and I’m a little paranoid. I think that it may have been a lit joint that burned down my house, but that’s besides the point. I’ve realized global warming and climate change is not a problem anymore, and it actually never was!”

In his excitement, a check for 100 grand slipped out from his sleeping bag. When asked to elaborate, Dr. Evans yawned loudly, gestured to the exit, and claimed he was too tired to continue the interview.

Copy Editor at The MQ

Samantha Cane is a second-year literature major at UCSD. She is the current Copy Editor of the MQ.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *