Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot
In an effort to raise profits and “student morale,” UCSD recently announced its decision to add a medical marijuana section to John’s Market and rename it “Chronic John’s.” They reportedly plan to partner with various farms across Southern California to develop exclusive crossbred strains made specially for Muir College such as Glacier Grass, Sour Geisel, Tuolumne Tea, and nondescript bags of loose, brown plant material for those with HDH’s cheapest dining plan.
Many students volunteered to become trial subjects, some even with legitimate medical cards. Ned Naticus, a senior in the Muir College Council, stated that he was eager to start the project and had high hopes for student turn-out, commenting, “It’s amazing. We are also planning classes on how to roll a joint, so these freshmen can stop rolling chodes. I’m looking at you, Jeremy.”
Similarly, strong interest has been shown amongst HDH student workers to transfer to the new dispensary section. Sophomore Jeremy Hierba is one of the new HDH “budtenders” employed at UCSD’s first on-campus medical marijuana dispensary. “It’s the most training I ever got for an HDH position. Muir college and UCSD has finally allowed me to follow my passion: getting students super fucking high,” said Hierba. “My supervisor doesn’t glare at me in this job, because I actually get paid to be high at work now. That is what they pay me for, right?”
However, some Muir students have come forth opposing Chronic John’s rebranding. First year Lacy Skett stated, “It’s outrageous. Besides all of Muir smelling like weed, I can’t believe this school would just ignore their non-smoking policies and sell marijuana just to pick up some extra cash. I thought people stopped doing that after high school.” Second year Deirdre Johnson also opposed the new direction, “Everyone is getting completely hustled by HDH. They’re charging 25 Dining Dollars for one gram. That’s way more than my rates.”
Valerie Cortin, the “local stoner of Tuolumne” commented, “It’s quite simple: capitalism. Bro, let me explain their business model. California passed the Compassionate Use Act to help students, but HDH is exploiting it for profit! They even tax kief now; they take the kief off the flower and sell it separately. Absolute crime against nature. I can’t believe HDH found a way to ruin weed for me. Anyway do you want to go to Gliderport, or something?”
In response to the disdain over Chronic Johns’ presence at UCSD, HDH announced its plan to open another dispensary in Sixth College and to more aggressively advertise their line of products throughout campus. “After all,” said a newly hired Sixth College Pot Market employee, “if we can’t make people like HDH, we might as well get them addicted to it.”
Samantha Cane is a second-year literature major at UCSD. She is the current Copy Editor of the MQ.
