In an attempt at “retribution for those who take ‘Jesus, take the wheel’ too far,” Pope Francis led a six hour surprise press conference in Vatican City last Wednesday. The Pope announced, despite what the Church has asserted for millennia, that there is no God.
Little is known about the Pope’s frame of mind nor his mysterious disappearance between the hours of 3 a.m. until two-minutes before his scheduled appearance in front of the press. However, insider intel claimed the supreme pontiff emerged from the bathroom while furiously rubbing his nose in those last two-minutes.
After months of silence, the Pope left most of the public dumbfounded by his abrupt reentry into the limelight. His unprecedented press conference sparked intrigue among the public eye and political figures alike, but no one was ready for his final statement: “I wish I had a more compassionate way to say what I’ve concluded after months of intense spiritual recovery in solitude, but… fuck it, there’s no God.”
Pope Francis continued to defend his claim amid the uproar, “If there was a God, 2018 would have gone so much more differently. The Germans and their coach can attest to this! I’ve gotten too lost in the world of cryptocurrency to even begin to understand the United States’s tariffs that people keep telling me to worry about.” He paused to catch his breath before he concluded: “I’m glad it worked out for some, but it’s not sunshine and roses for everyone.”
In response to his apothic criticisms, Pope Francis released one final statement on the matter, before announcing a trip to what is rumored to be Bora Bora: “I knew this to be true when I could only find solace in a type of medicudical drug. It is a methyl ester of benzoylecgonine, I believe. Or as the kids call it, ‘blow,’” he said before laughing full-heartedly and giving a wink to the camera.
Cardinal Sodano intervened later that day and spoke to the press to ensure the public about the Pope’s intentions. He calmly addressed the journalists in his statement: “Yes, we figured that we should cut the bullshit and end the charade of ‘God is looking out for all of us.’ Francis has liberated the world!”
When asked if the subject matter of the Pope’s statement was discussed beforehand and where the Pope’s line of reasoning came from, the spokesman for the Vatican pretended to trip and roll his ankle before muttering in Italian and limping away. Despite the mass confusion generated from the press conference, people were quick to move on from the Pope’s blatant profanity, transgressions, and overall decimation of Catholic liturgy and its teachings.
One attendee from the press conference commented, “He seems less stressed now, I suppose. I don’t know, I mean, if you think about it, God probably doesn’t exist. He’s right — Germany really messed up during the World Cup and I don’t know what will become of them as a team. The Pope was bound to lose his faith one of these days, right?”
News of the Pope’s statement resonated around the world for approximately 14 hours. The extent of theological discussion amongst scientists and curates summed up that the Pope had it all figured out and that “life goes on,” as one member of the clergy stated. Meanwhile, Pope Francis refused to take any more questions and insisted that anyone who wanted to talk should “wait until after I get to see my dealer later today. I have to fill in the times between my Subway shifts.”