CEO Fired for Typing with Two Fingers

Written by: Samantha Cane

“How do you spell ‘sue’?” asked Jewel.
Photo by: Jessica Ma

In the midst of the U.S. economy’s gradual resurgence, corporate hiccups amongst the nation’s top banks arrived in lieu of celebration. It has been recently announced that one of Bank of America’s top CEO’s, Silvia Murray Jewel, was demoted from her executive position due to her “inefficient” typing skills. Sources contend to her alleged typing deficiency, claiming she is estimated to type 21 words per minute, has frequent misspellings, and has an impaired focus on what is being said to her as she types.

Savannah Cohen, a Bank of America chairperson, reported that Jewel’s inability to touch-type has negatively affected her overall work performance. Cohen commented, “I stare at her during our board meetings using just two fingers to type up notes, and I can’t stand it. She refuses to learn, and she’s not even that old!” To further her account, Cohen brought up Jewel’s typed notes on her computer and pointed out the red-underlined, broken words with haphazard indents,
saying, “Keep in mind, she looked at this and was okay with it.”
Jewel was outraged over Cohen’s prejudice against her hunt-and-peck preference. She told sources, “How I type is not an issue because I get my work done just fine.” Shortly after this statement, witnesses claimed that Jewel sent an email to Cohen announcing her decision to sue, reading, “Im suig.”

Jewel immediately challenged the chairman’s decision with a lawsuit. Following the abrupt demotion, accusing her superior of ageism. Jewel, age 34, stated, “This will show her,” as she methodically typed with her index fingers, “I worked too hard buying gift baskets for bosses to get here.”

In regards to her lawsuit, Jewel has confident commented that she believes things will go her way. “You know, I don’t need this job. Plenty of people want my expertise, and they won’t care how I type.” As she finished up her last report as CEO, she cursed under her breath while repeatedly pressing the backspace key.

Cohen gathered her legal team together in retaliation to Jewel’s lawsuit, accompanied by two corporate lawyers to defend her case. Cohen asserted, “I’m literally 15 years older than her, I cannot understand how I’m being accused of ageism. This is all some elaborate ploy just so she can avoid touch typing, and the worst part is she might get a lot of money out of this.”

The expected first day of mediation is currently unknown, as Jewel is still in the process of establishing a date with her lawyers over email. Meanwhile, Cohen has been seen pacing in her office and conversing with her legal team in what witnesses described as a frenzied panic. One of her lawyers attests, “We never knew Ms. Jewel would acquire so much attention for this case, especially from the media. Don’t you guys have better things to report on?”

Ms. Jewel’s lawyer gave a statement regarding the lawsuit’s discovery stage in which facts and issues from both parties were revealed: “It appears Ms. Cohen has some personal vendetta against Ms. Jewel. It has come to our attention that Ms. Cohen is a slow reader which makes her case that Ms. Jewel is an incompetent worker now moot.” Richard Eiselman, the company’s corporate lawyer, is responsible for overlooking all strifes that occur within and outside BofA affairs. In response to the Jewel v. Cohen case, Eiselman attests, “This might be the most ridiculous lawsuit this company has ever seen, even beating a case we had two years ago where an employee sued a peer for stealing their tuna salad sandwich out of
communal fridge. I just want to get this over with.”

Copy Editor at The MQ

Samantha Cane is a second-year literature major at UCSD. She is the current Copy Editor of the MQ.

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