Volume 24 Issue 2


Postdoctoral Researcher Wins ‘Cutest Lab Coat’ Award

Written by: Tiffany Hamilton

Jennifer Smalls, PhD, was awarded the 2017 Cutest Lab Coat trophy early last week at the annual MENS, Meeting of Engineers and Scientists, after a fierce …


North Korea in Final Stages of Developing a Photo Bomb

Written by: Brandon Mougel

Yesterday the White House released a press brief stating that “diplomatic friction continues with North Korea, as their government develops an assault on the American lifestyle.” …


Incoming Freshman Tells Herself She Won’t Procrastinate in College

Written by: Pilan Scruggs

When asked how she felt about starting college, first-year student Jennifer Watson said that she, like many other college freshmen, was just eager to start with …


Freshman Excited to Start Anthropology Major after Third Time Seeing Jurassic Park

Written by: MQ Trophy Husband

Having just started her first year at UCSD, Ariel Stewart has been described by her roommates as being “unreasonably excited” to be studying her true passion: …


MLB Unveils New Sport: Baseball 2

Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

In a surprise press release yesterday, the MLB announced that they had invented a groundbreaking new sport. Rob Manfred, Commissioner of the MLB, took to Twitter …


7th College to Be Called Pradeep Khosla College, Namer Still Unknown

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

UCSD recently announced a new addition to their college system, which will be named after current Chancellor Pradeep Khosla. Khosla assured reporters that this was “the …


Local Hero Finished Watching All Porn so You Don’t Have To

Written by: Natalia Nenn

La Jolla resident Henry Basta has achieved what many men have only only dreamed of; he is the first man to have successfully watched every pornographic …


Incoming Freshmen Ready to Reinvent Themselves for College, Still Sad

Written by: Elizabeth Niculescu

A study released this week by the University of California, San Diego has concluded that although most incoming freshmen believe college is time to turn over …


New Study Advocates for Two Hours of Exorcising a Day

Written by: Sage Cristal

In a recent effort to cut down on child obesity, researchers at UC San Diego and UCLA spearheaded a campaign to teach healthy habits early on …


Editorial: Hey, Hey! Wait for Me to Leave Class before You Enter, Asshole

Written by: Daniel Clinton

I understand that our time on this earth is finite. And I understand that you want to maximize your time in your plane of mortal existence. …