7th College to Be Called Pradeep Khosla College, Namer Still Unknown

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

The individual who would eventually go on to expose the voting fraud was known only as Pradeep Throat.
Photo by: Lawrence Lee

UCSD recently announced a new addition to their college system, which will be named after current Chancellor Pradeep Khosla. Khosla assured reporters that this was “the best suggestion we had” and that he was “definitely deeply humbled to have been nominated for this honor by someone who clearly appreciates hard work when they see it.”

All the staff that was questioned claimed to have no knowledge on the origins of this suggestion, though they seemed to approve of the choice.

“Chancellor Khosla emailed us one day about this new college, but didn’t mention who suggested the name. I don’t know who could have possibly thought of a more deserving person,” recounted an anonymous first-year teacher. “I mean he could probably have me fired if I didn’t like it, but that’s totally not the case. By the way, have I mentioned lately how honorable Chancellor Khosla is and how deserving of this honor he is? Someone as honorable as him wouldn’t fire me before I get tenure, right?”

Khosla, a graduate of the Indian Institute of Technology Kharagpur and former director of Carnegie Mellon’s Department of Electrical and Computer Engineering, is happy to leave his imprint on education at UCSD.

“I really have no clue who came up with the name, why do you ask?” said Khosla. “All I know is that being the namesake for Khosla College gives me the opportunity to mold future generations, and there’s someone who wants to see the world in 2050 built in the image of Pradeep Khosla.”

Khosla’s enthusiasm for education, legacy, and other people’s success is slated as the inspiration for the new college’s educational goals. Its general education requirements will include a six-course writing series on South Asian culture and successful Indian college graduates.

The courses, each differentiated by a different letter of the alphabet (announced to be A, H, K, L, O, and S in an undetermined order), are, according to Khosla intended to take “quite some effort, possibly even requiring students to take the class alone in some quarters. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of the person – er, I mean, the people and culture that this course teaches.” Other general education requirements include two humanities courses, two arts courses, and a minor in computer science.

Janet Napolitano, President of the UC system, commented, “It is possible that the rigor of Khosla College course load may keep students studying for their undergraduate degree for a bit longer, but I profoundly believe it is worth the extra tuition it may cost.”

Estimates of a Khosla student four-year plan currently do not exist; however, the tentative description on the college’s website states, “Imagine an engineering student’s four-year plan, and then add your major’s plan to it.”

A premature acceptance email was allegedly sent to first year Felix Bonifatus, who described its contents: “It basically just said ‘Welcome to UCSD!’ with an advertisement for the Communication Department under it.” It is not currently known when such acceptance emails will begin rolling out, as Khosla College currently lacks a physical campus to admit students into. With the newly announced additions to Sixth College’s residential buildings, Khosla’s buildings are scheduled to finish construction in 2037 at earliest.

Although faculty seem clueless on the matter, the student body seems to have a clue as to who suggested the college’s striking title.

“I think he’s been here for some time,” suggests second-year Marcus Apertus.

“Just a feeling of mine, but I think his initials may be PK,” posits third-year Jamie Discipula.

“I don’t know. I thought it would be funny. I didn’t know they would actually choose it,” says fourth-year Peter Kennedy.

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Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.

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